WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.850 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 00:02.850 --> 00:08.550 align:middle line:90% 00:08.550 --> 00:11.190 align:middle line:84% So join me in a little experiment. 00:11.190 --> 00:13.375 align:middle line:90% Your phone rings. 00:13.375 --> 00:15.750 align:middle line:84% You pick it up and the voice on the other end of the line 00:15.750 --> 00:18.980 align:middle line:84% says, have you got a few minutes to talk? 00:18.980 --> 00:21.540 align:middle line:84% What's your instant gut reaction. 00:21.540 --> 00:23.640 align:middle line:90% Is it yes? 00:23.640 --> 00:25.230 align:middle line:90% Thank god. 00:25.230 --> 00:25.890 align:middle line:90% I said yes. 00:25.890 --> 00:28.480 align:middle line:90% I feel so good to say yes. 00:28.480 --> 00:33.668 align:middle line:84% No, as a matter of fact, your gut reaction is [GROANS].. 00:33.668 --> 00:35.460 align:middle line:84% The first thing that goes through your mind 00:35.460 --> 00:37.502 align:middle line:90% is, who is this? 00:37.502 --> 00:38.460 align:middle line:90% You find out who it is. 00:38.460 --> 00:40.210 align:middle line:84% The next thing that goes through your mind 00:40.210 --> 00:42.322 align:middle line:90% is, how long is a few minutes? 00:42.322 --> 00:43.780 align:middle line:84% And then after that, the next thing 00:43.780 --> 00:47.940 align:middle line:84% that goes through your mind is, how do I get off the phone? 00:47.940 --> 00:50.960 align:middle line:84% All of that is triggered from the simple, 00:50.960 --> 00:52.890 align:middle line:84% have you got a few minutes to talk? 00:52.890 --> 00:54.570 align:middle line:84% It's amazing that any time anybody 00:54.570 --> 00:57.630 align:middle line:84% asks us to say yes, we ask ourselves, what am I 00:57.630 --> 00:59.430 align:middle line:90% letting myself in for? 00:59.430 --> 01:01.410 align:middle line:84% This happens to us so much and all the time 01:01.410 --> 01:04.980 align:middle line:90% that we're always yes battered. 01:04.980 --> 01:07.200 align:middle line:84% So in this chapter, I'm going to teach you 01:07.200 --> 01:10.460 align:middle line:84% about the beauty of the word "no." 01:10.460 --> 01:15.230 align:middle line:84% Not only is "no" not failure, but you're 01:15.230 --> 01:20.140 align:middle line:84% going to find out how valuable it is to get people to say no 01:20.140 --> 01:24.470 align:middle line:84% and how much farther you can get and how much more information 01:24.470 --> 01:27.320 align:middle line:84% you can get and how much it will actually 01:27.320 --> 01:30.680 align:middle line:84% enhance your relationship when you make people feel 01:30.680 --> 01:33.500 align:middle line:84% like not only is it OK to say no, 01:33.500 --> 01:35.733 align:middle line:90% but no is a really good answer. 01:35.733 --> 01:38.691 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 01:38.691 --> 01:41.649 align:middle line:90% 01:41.649 --> 01:43.690 align:middle line:90% Yeah, yes is horrible. 01:43.690 --> 01:46.290 align:middle line:84% I mean, first of all, there's three kinds of yes's-- 01:46.290 --> 01:48.340 align:middle line:84% commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. 01:48.340 --> 01:50.573 align:middle line:84% My confirmation yes is if you've asked 01:50.573 --> 01:52.990 align:middle line:84% me a simple question where you're trying to simply confirm 01:52.990 --> 01:54.610 align:middle line:90% that something is true. 01:54.610 --> 01:57.430 align:middle line:84% My confirmation yes is going to be pretty concise. 01:57.430 --> 02:01.880 align:middle line:84% Like, I might say, yeah, and sometimes I might even say, OK. 02:01.880 --> 02:05.820 align:middle line:84% The more concise and the more curt my tone of voice is, 02:05.820 --> 02:10.340 align:middle line:84% the more likely it is that it's a legitimate confirmation yes. 02:10.340 --> 02:12.740 align:middle line:84% But a commitment yes is an agreement. 02:12.740 --> 02:16.190 align:middle line:90% It's I agree. 02:16.190 --> 02:17.240 align:middle line:90% I'll go along with it. 02:17.240 --> 02:18.620 align:middle line:90% I will do this. 02:18.620 --> 02:20.930 align:middle line:84% I have agreed that I will do this, 02:20.930 --> 02:23.160 align:middle line:84% that I'm good with what we're talking about 02:23.160 --> 02:25.760 align:middle line:84% and that I am in agreement with it. 02:25.760 --> 02:29.690 align:middle line:84% And commitment yes is going to be fairly curt and concise 02:29.690 --> 02:30.840 align:middle line:90% as well. 02:30.840 --> 02:33.770 align:middle line:84% But it's really going to be driven by the context 02:33.770 --> 02:35.330 align:middle line:84% and what I've said leading up to that 02:35.330 --> 02:36.980 align:middle line:84% and how our conversation has gone. 02:36.980 --> 02:39.260 align:middle line:84% The counterfeit yes is the yes I'm 02:39.260 --> 02:44.860 align:middle line:84% going to give you when I'm starting to feel trapped 02:44.860 --> 02:51.422 align:middle line:84% by your questioning, I don't trust you, 02:51.422 --> 02:53.630 align:middle line:84% I want to find out how soon this is going to be over. 02:53.630 --> 02:55.680 align:middle line:90% Maybe I want to know more. 02:55.680 --> 02:57.520 align:middle line:84% So I'm going to give you the counterfeit 02:57.520 --> 03:01.030 align:middle line:84% yes because I've already decided that I don't trust you, 03:01.030 --> 03:04.360 align:middle line:84% and it's OK because I feel like you're trying to trap me. 03:04.360 --> 03:06.700 align:middle line:84% So you might say to me, does this is deal 03:06.700 --> 03:09.120 align:middle line:84% look like something that could work for you? 03:09.120 --> 03:11.050 align:middle line:84% The counterfeit yes it's typically not 03:11.050 --> 03:14.040 align:middle line:90% terribly succinct. 03:14.040 --> 03:16.490 align:middle line:90% It's not short. 03:16.490 --> 03:21.050 align:middle line:84% I'll say, yeah or sure or, if my real objective 03:21.050 --> 03:22.850 align:middle line:84% is to get you to go away, I might say yes 03:22.850 --> 03:25.070 align:middle line:90% to get you to go away. 03:25.070 --> 03:29.585 align:middle line:84% But typically a counterfeit yes is not simply yes. 03:29.585 --> 03:32.900 align:middle line:84% Yes, most of the time, is maybe or a no 03:32.900 --> 03:34.850 align:middle line:84% in waiting or rejection in waiting. 03:34.850 --> 03:39.260 align:middle line:84% So at any point in time that in my previous life 03:39.260 --> 03:41.720 align:middle line:84% I might have sought a yes, I'll simply 03:41.720 --> 03:45.920 align:middle line:84% change that yes question to a no question 03:45.920 --> 03:47.860 align:middle line:84% to drive at the same thing, and I'm 03:47.860 --> 03:49.610 align:middle line:84% going to get the same kind of information. 03:49.610 --> 03:56.410 align:middle line:90% 03:56.410 --> 04:00.440 align:middle line:84% A no is so much more valuable than a yes. 04:00.440 --> 04:06.260 align:middle line:84% A no to a properly phrased no-oriented question is worth 04:06.260 --> 04:08.330 align:middle line:90% at least five yes's. 04:08.330 --> 04:12.260 align:middle line:84% People feel safe and protected when they say no. 04:12.260 --> 04:16.220 align:middle line:84% This is another one of these human nature laws of gravity. 04:16.220 --> 04:20.089 align:middle line:84% There is no way around that when you say no that you 04:20.089 --> 04:22.380 align:middle line:90% don't feel safe and protected. 04:22.380 --> 04:25.340 align:middle line:84% You don't like hearing it, but, again, it's 04:25.340 --> 04:28.180 align:middle line:84% different between when you hear it and when you say it. 04:28.180 --> 04:31.550 align:middle line:84% And when you begin to understand how valuable it is and how 04:31.550 --> 04:35.720 align:middle line:84% solid no is, I actually love hearing it because I will say 04:35.720 --> 04:37.970 align:middle line:84% something-- instead of saying, do you agree with this, 04:37.970 --> 04:40.488 align:middle line:90% I'll say, do you disagree? 04:40.488 --> 04:42.530 align:middle line:84% Instead of saying, is this a good idea, I'll say, 04:42.530 --> 04:44.540 align:middle line:90% is it a ridiculous idea? 04:44.540 --> 04:46.910 align:middle line:84% When you say no, you feel safe and protected. 04:46.910 --> 04:49.890 align:middle line:84% You feel like you've made no commitment at all. 04:49.890 --> 04:53.430 align:middle line:84% So you're going to give me a lot more information. 04:53.430 --> 04:57.530 align:middle line:84% And the additional information after the no, or even the yes 04:57.530 --> 04:59.670 align:middle line:84% if I'm silly enough to try to get it, 04:59.670 --> 05:02.630 align:middle line:84% the additional information is what's most important. 05:02.630 --> 05:04.130 align:middle line:84% How is this going to be implemented? 05:04.130 --> 05:05.750 align:middle line:90% What's this going to look like? 05:05.750 --> 05:07.460 align:middle line:90% What haven't we thought of? 05:07.460 --> 05:11.060 align:middle line:84% Since you feel safe and protected when you say no, 05:11.060 --> 05:16.310 align:middle line:84% you feel no fear about telling me about problems. 05:16.310 --> 05:18.620 align:middle line:84% If I said to you, does this look like something 05:18.620 --> 05:22.250 align:middle line:84% that would work for you, if you say yes to that 05:22.250 --> 05:24.320 align:middle line:84% but you want to give me additional information, 05:24.320 --> 05:28.490 align:middle line:84% you're going to feel like every additional piece of information 05:28.490 --> 05:32.420 align:middle line:84% commits you before you're ready to commit. 05:32.420 --> 05:35.510 align:middle line:84% You're going to be reluctant to share problems with me. 05:35.510 --> 05:37.820 align:middle line:84% You're going to be reluctant to collaborate with me 05:37.820 --> 05:40.430 align:middle line:84% because you feel like everything that comes out of your mouth 05:40.430 --> 05:42.560 align:middle line:90% reduces your autonomy. 05:42.560 --> 05:44.850 align:middle line:90% And that's all bad for me. 05:44.850 --> 05:47.260 align:middle line:84% But if you say no, having said no, 05:47.260 --> 05:50.140 align:middle line:84% you feel there's no commitment afterwards. 05:50.140 --> 05:53.050 align:middle line:84% You can share a lot of information with me. 05:53.050 --> 05:55.000 align:middle line:90% You won't have second thoughts. 05:55.000 --> 05:58.000 align:middle line:90% You won't have commitment fears. 05:58.000 --> 05:59.650 align:middle line:84% And the information you share with me 05:59.650 --> 06:02.350 align:middle line:84% is going to be very accurate and give me a really clear picture 06:02.350 --> 06:03.613 align:middle line:90% of what's going on. 06:03.613 --> 06:05.530 align:middle line:84% If I say to you, does this look like something 06:05.530 --> 06:07.520 align:middle line:84% that might work for you, you're going 06:07.520 --> 06:11.590 align:middle line:84% to say no, but here are my issues. 06:11.590 --> 06:15.220 align:middle line:84% And you're much more likely to lay out what the issues really 06:15.220 --> 06:19.030 align:middle line:84% are because you're going to feel like you can share them 06:19.030 --> 06:20.440 align:middle line:90% with no commitment whatsoever. 06:20.440 --> 06:27.030 align:middle line:90% 06:27.030 --> 06:29.840 align:middle line:84% About two years ago, I get introduced to Robert Herjavec, 06:29.840 --> 06:31.880 align:middle line:90% "Shark Tank" Robert Herjavec-- 06:31.880 --> 06:34.530 align:middle line:90% great guy, very generous guy. 06:34.530 --> 06:39.060 align:middle line:84% And via the introduction, he invites me to lunch. 06:39.060 --> 06:41.190 align:middle line:84% And it was my favorite kind of lunch. 06:41.190 --> 06:43.770 align:middle line:90% He paid at a steakhouse. 06:43.770 --> 06:44.760 align:middle line:90% But a generous guy-- 06:44.760 --> 06:47.130 align:middle line:84% I mean, and I get 90 minutes with him, which, 06:47.130 --> 06:49.740 align:middle line:84% again, on the basis of an email introduction 06:49.740 --> 06:51.180 align:middle line:90% is a fantastic thing. 06:51.180 --> 06:52.770 align:middle line:84% Now, he's building out a sales team, 06:52.770 --> 06:56.190 align:middle line:84% and he's wondering if the Black Swan Group's negotiation 06:56.190 --> 06:58.710 align:middle line:84% approach, the negotiation that I teach, 06:58.710 --> 07:01.050 align:middle line:90% is good for his salespeople. 07:01.050 --> 07:03.600 align:middle line:84% My company happens to have a negotiation training 07:03.600 --> 07:08.910 align:middle line:84% session coming up in New York, and I offer him a free ticket. 07:08.910 --> 07:11.460 align:middle line:84% And to show what a decent, generous guy 07:11.460 --> 07:15.030 align:middle line:84% he is, his response is, how many can I buy? 07:15.030 --> 07:18.370 align:middle line:84% A lot of people, if you offer them one thing that's free, 07:18.370 --> 07:20.270 align:middle line:90% they want more free things. 07:20.270 --> 07:22.800 align:middle line:84% Again, he's saying, how many can we buy? 07:22.800 --> 07:24.300 align:middle line:84% So my company and his company, we're 07:24.300 --> 07:27.490 align:middle line:84% going back and forth on how many tickets they're going to buy, 07:27.490 --> 07:30.242 align:middle line:84% and we're not getting a clear commitment out of him 07:30.242 --> 07:31.950 align:middle line:84% as to how many people he's going to send. 07:31.950 --> 07:34.590 align:middle line:84% My people call me on a phone, and they'll say, 07:34.590 --> 07:36.660 align:middle line:90% we're getting ready to sell out. 07:36.660 --> 07:39.110 align:middle line:84% And if Herjavec and his people don't buy now, 07:39.110 --> 07:40.110 align:middle line:90% they're not getting any. 07:40.110 --> 07:42.090 align:middle line:84% They're not even getting their free ticket 07:42.090 --> 07:44.190 align:middle line:84% because the tickets to our events are expensive, 07:44.190 --> 07:47.020 align:middle line:84% and my team is mad at me for giving way anything for free. 07:47.020 --> 07:51.180 align:middle line:84% They don't care who it is, even if it's a famous guy from TV. 07:51.180 --> 07:53.517 align:middle line:90% So at 5:03 in the afternoon-- 07:53.517 --> 07:56.100 align:middle line:84% because I've just gotten a call from my director of operations 07:56.100 --> 08:00.940 align:middle line:84% saying, if the Herjavec Group doesn't buy tickets now, 08:00.940 --> 08:03.440 align:middle line:84% then they're not getting any because we're going to sell out 08:03.440 --> 08:04.310 align:middle line:90% by tomorrow morning. 08:04.310 --> 08:06.227 align:middle line:84% And I'm in Los Angeles, and I'm getting a call 08:06.227 --> 08:07.640 align:middle line:90% from the East Coast. 08:07.640 --> 08:11.230 align:middle line:84% So we're three hours behind the time frame anyway. 08:11.230 --> 08:14.740 align:middle line:84% So 5:03 in the afternoon, I send Robert Herjavec 08:14.740 --> 08:20.880 align:middle line:84% a two-line email, 5:03 on a Monday. 08:20.880 --> 08:26.890 align:middle line:84% Are you against committing to three tickets now? 08:26.890 --> 08:32.030 align:middle line:84% Is it a ridiculous idea for you to pay for the tickets 08:32.030 --> 08:36.840 align:middle line:84% before the business day starts in New York tomorrow? 08:36.840 --> 08:41.990 align:middle line:84% At 5:04, I get an email back from him 08:41.990 --> 08:45.740 align:middle line:84% that says, no, we'll make the commitment for three tickets 08:45.740 --> 08:47.630 align:middle line:90% now. 08:47.630 --> 08:50.810 align:middle line:84% No, we got no problem paying for them right now. 08:50.810 --> 08:54.140 align:middle line:84% My assistant will be in touch with you within the hour. 08:54.140 --> 08:56.870 align:middle line:90% Send her a link and we'll pay. 08:56.870 --> 08:59.882 align:middle line:84% I sent the link, and they made the payment by 5:23. 08:59.882 --> 09:02.580 align:middle line:90% 09:02.580 --> 09:06.360 align:middle line:84% How often do you get that kind of decision making from someone 09:06.360 --> 09:09.890 align:middle line:84% at any time of the day, let alone after 5 o'clock? 09:09.890 --> 09:16.890 align:middle line:90% 09:16.890 --> 09:22.360 align:middle line:84% What you're really trying to get is an authentic commitment. 09:22.360 --> 09:26.890 align:middle line:84% And even with that, yes is nothing without how. 09:26.890 --> 09:30.250 align:middle line:84% I mean, whatever amount of time you spend on yes, 09:30.250 --> 09:34.930 align:middle line:84% it's almost useless because if it's a confirmation 09:34.930 --> 09:42.460 align:middle line:84% yes or a counterfeit yes, your real issue is, do you have how? 09:42.460 --> 09:47.390 align:middle line:84% A confirmation yes without a how will die. 09:47.390 --> 09:50.340 align:middle line:84% So how do we transition into how? 09:50.340 --> 09:54.580 align:middle line:84% Remember, the key to negotiation is always using deference. 09:54.580 --> 09:56.620 align:middle line:90% So it's with a tone of voice. 09:56.620 --> 09:58.860 align:middle line:84% And if they haven't given you a way to proceed, 09:58.860 --> 10:03.430 align:middle line:84% then your first question is, how should we proceed? 10:03.430 --> 10:05.810 align:middle line:90% What are the next steps? 10:05.810 --> 10:09.060 align:middle line:90% How would you like to proceed? 10:09.060 --> 10:13.980 align:middle line:84% Use how or what to begin to pave your way into how 10:13.980 --> 10:16.287 align:middle line:90% you're going to proceed. 10:16.287 --> 10:17.870 align:middle line:84% And then think in advance a little bit 10:17.870 --> 10:21.510 align:middle line:84% because there are always going to be implementation problems. 10:21.510 --> 10:24.950 align:middle line:84% So in some anticipation of that, you 10:24.950 --> 10:27.770 align:middle line:84% want to ask some how and what questions 10:27.770 --> 10:31.220 align:middle line:84% to deal with implementation problems in advance 10:31.220 --> 10:34.515 align:middle line:84% because if you haven't created a mechanism through what and how 10:34.515 --> 10:36.640 align:middle line:84% to deal with the problems, those problems are going 10:36.640 --> 10:38.720 align:middle line:90% to fester until they explode. 10:38.720 --> 10:42.470 align:middle line:84% You lay those safety valves in in advance, 10:42.470 --> 10:49.040 align:middle line:84% you avoid explosions or you avoid worse than an explosion. 10:49.040 --> 10:53.300 align:middle line:84% You avoid nothing where they don't call you, 10:53.300 --> 10:55.670 align:middle line:84% they don't tell you what's going on. 10:55.670 --> 10:58.830 align:middle line:84% You only find out about bad news indirectly. 10:58.830 --> 11:03.480 align:middle line:84% Put the safety valves of how do we know if we're on track 11:03.480 --> 11:06.490 align:middle line:84% and how are we going to deal with it if we're off track, 11:06.490 --> 11:09.380 align:middle line:84% and you'll take care of your implementation.