1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,850 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:11,190 So join me in a little experiment. 3 00:00:11,190 --> 00:00:13,380 Your phone rings. 4 00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:15,755 You pick it up and the voice on the other end of the line 5 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:18,980 says, have you got a few minutes to talk? 6 00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:21,540 What's your instant gut reaction. 7 00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:23,640 Is it yes? 8 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,230 Thank god. 9 00:00:25,230 --> 00:00:25,890 I said yes. 10 00:00:25,890 --> 00:00:28,480 I feel so good to say yes. 11 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:33,670 No, as a matter of fact, your gut reaction is [GROANS].. 12 00:00:33,668 --> 00:00:35,458 The first thing that goes through your mind 13 00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:37,500 is, who is this? 14 00:00:37,502 --> 00:00:38,462 You find out who it is. 15 00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:40,210 The next thing that goes through your mind 16 00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:42,320 is, how long is a few minutes? 17 00:00:42,322 --> 00:00:43,782 And then after that, the next thing 18 00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:47,940 that goes through your mind is, how do I get off the phone? 19 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:50,960 All of that is triggered from the simple, 20 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,890 have you got a few minutes to talk? 21 00:00:52,890 --> 00:00:54,570 It's amazing that any time anybody 22 00:00:54,570 --> 00:00:57,630 asks us to say yes, we ask ourselves, what am I 23 00:00:57,630 --> 00:00:59,430 letting myself in for? 24 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:01,410 This happens to us so much and all the time 25 00:01:01,410 --> 00:01:04,980 that we're always yes battered. 26 00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:07,200 So in this chapter, I'm going to teach you 27 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,460 about the beauty of the word "no." 28 00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:15,230 Not only is "no" not failure, but you're 29 00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:20,140 going to find out how valuable it is to get people to say no 30 00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:24,470 and how much farther you can get and how much more information 31 00:01:24,470 --> 00:01:27,320 you can get and how much it will actually 32 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,680 enhance your relationship when you make people feel 33 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,500 like not only is it OK to say no, 34 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,730 but no is a really good answer. 35 00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:38,693 [MUSIC PLAYING] 36 00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:43,689 Yeah, yes is horrible. 37 00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:46,290 I mean, first of all, there's three kinds of yes's-- 38 00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:48,340 commitment, confirmation, and counterfeit. 39 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:50,570 My confirmation yes is if you've asked 40 00:01:50,573 --> 00:01:52,993 me a simple question where you're trying to simply confirm 41 00:01:52,990 --> 00:01:54,610 that something is true. 42 00:01:54,610 --> 00:01:57,430 My confirmation yes is going to be pretty concise. 43 00:01:57,430 --> 00:02:01,880 Like, I might say, yeah, and sometimes I might even say, OK. 44 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,820 The more concise and the more curt my tone of voice is, 45 00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:10,340 the more likely it is that it's a legitimate confirmation yes. 46 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:12,740 But a commitment yes is an agreement. 47 00:02:12,740 --> 00:02:16,190 It's I agree. 48 00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:17,240 I'll go along with it. 49 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,620 I will do this. 50 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:20,930 I have agreed that I will do this, 51 00:02:20,930 --> 00:02:23,160 that I'm good with what we're talking about 52 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,760 and that I am in agreement with it. 53 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,690 And commitment yes is going to be fairly curt and concise 54 00:02:29,690 --> 00:02:30,840 as well. 55 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,770 But it's really going to be driven by the context 56 00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:35,330 and what I've said leading up to that 57 00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:36,980 and how our conversation has gone. 58 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,260 The counterfeit yes is the yes I'm 59 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:44,860 going to give you when I'm starting to feel trapped 60 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:51,420 by your questioning, I don't trust you, 61 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:53,632 I want to find out how soon this is going to be over. 62 00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:55,680 Maybe I want to know more. 63 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,520 So I'm going to give you the counterfeit 64 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,030 yes because I've already decided that I don't trust you, 65 00:03:01,030 --> 00:03:04,360 and it's OK because I feel like you're trying to trap me. 66 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,700 So you might say to me, does this is deal 67 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,120 look like something that could work for you? 68 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,050 The counterfeit yes it's typically not 69 00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:14,040 terribly succinct. 70 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,490 It's not short. 71 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:21,050 I'll say, yeah or sure or, if my real objective 72 00:03:21,050 --> 00:03:22,850 is to get you to go away, I might say yes 73 00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:25,070 to get you to go away. 74 00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:29,590 But typically a counterfeit yes is not simply yes. 75 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:32,905 Yes, most of the time, is maybe or a no 76 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,850 in waiting or rejection in waiting. 77 00:03:34,850 --> 00:03:39,260 So at any point in time that in my previous life 78 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,720 I might have sought a yes, I'll simply 79 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,920 change that yes question to a no question 80 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,860 to drive at the same thing, and I'm 81 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,610 going to get the same kind of information. 82 00:03:56,410 --> 00:04:00,440 A no is so much more valuable than a yes. 83 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:06,260 A no to a properly phrased no-oriented question is worth 84 00:04:06,260 --> 00:04:08,330 at least five yes's. 85 00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:12,260 People feel safe and protected when they say no. 86 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:16,220 This is another one of these human nature laws of gravity. 87 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:20,090 There is no way around that when you say no that you 88 00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:22,379 don't feel safe and protected. 89 00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:25,340 You don't like hearing it, but, again, it's 90 00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:28,180 different between when you hear it and when you say it. 91 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,550 And when you begin to understand how valuable it is and how 92 00:04:31,550 --> 00:04:35,720 solid no is, I actually love hearing it because I will say 93 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,970 something-- instead of saying, do you agree with this, 94 00:04:37,970 --> 00:04:40,490 I'll say, do you disagree? 95 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,528 Instead of saying, is this a good idea, I'll say, 96 00:04:42,530 --> 00:04:44,540 is it a ridiculous idea? 97 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,910 When you say no, you feel safe and protected. 98 00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:49,890 You feel like you've made no commitment at all. 99 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:53,430 So you're going to give me a lot more information. 100 00:04:53,430 --> 00:04:57,530 And the additional information after the no, or even the yes 101 00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,670 if I'm silly enough to try to get it, 102 00:04:59,670 --> 00:05:02,630 the additional information is what's most important. 103 00:05:02,630 --> 00:05:04,130 How is this going to be implemented? 104 00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:05,750 What's this going to look like? 105 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:07,460 What haven't we thought of? 106 00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:11,060 Since you feel safe and protected when you say no, 107 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:16,310 you feel no fear about telling me about problems. 108 00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:18,620 If I said to you, does this look like something 109 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:22,250 that would work for you, if you say yes to that 110 00:05:22,250 --> 00:05:24,320 but you want to give me additional information, 111 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:28,490 you're going to feel like every additional piece of information 112 00:05:28,490 --> 00:05:32,420 commits you before you're ready to commit. 113 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:35,510 You're going to be reluctant to share problems with me. 114 00:05:35,510 --> 00:05:37,820 You're going to be reluctant to collaborate with me 115 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:40,430 because you feel like everything that comes out of your mouth 116 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:42,560 reduces your autonomy. 117 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,850 And that's all bad for me. 118 00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:47,260 But if you say no, having said no, 119 00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:50,140 you feel there's no commitment afterwards. 120 00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:53,050 You can share a lot of information with me. 121 00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:55,000 You won't have second thoughts. 122 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,000 You won't have commitment fears. 123 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,650 And the information you share with me 124 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:02,350 is going to be very accurate and give me a really clear picture 125 00:06:02,350 --> 00:06:03,610 of what's going on. 126 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,533 If I say to you, does this look like something 127 00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:07,520 that might work for you, you're going 128 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,590 to say no, but here are my issues. 129 00:06:11,590 --> 00:06:15,220 And you're much more likely to lay out what the issues really 130 00:06:15,220 --> 00:06:19,030 are because you're going to feel like you can share them 131 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,440 with no commitment whatsoever. 132 00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,840 About two years ago, I get introduced to Robert Herjavec, 133 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,880 "Shark Tank" Robert Herjavec-- 134 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,530 great guy, very generous guy. 135 00:06:34,530 --> 00:06:39,060 And via the introduction, he invites me to lunch. 136 00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:41,190 And it was my favorite kind of lunch. 137 00:06:41,190 --> 00:06:43,770 He paid at a steakhouse. 138 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:44,760 But a generous guy-- 139 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,130 I mean, and I get 90 minutes with him, which, 140 00:06:47,130 --> 00:06:49,740 again, on the basis of an email introduction 141 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:51,180 is a fantastic thing. 142 00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:52,770 Now, he's building out a sales team, 143 00:06:52,770 --> 00:06:56,190 and he's wondering if the Black Swan Group's negotiation 144 00:06:56,190 --> 00:06:58,710 approach, the negotiation that I teach, 145 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:01,050 is good for his salespeople. 146 00:07:01,050 --> 00:07:03,600 My company happens to have a negotiation training 147 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:08,910 session coming up in New York, and I offer him a free ticket. 148 00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:11,460 And to show what a decent, generous guy 149 00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:15,030 he is, his response is, how many can I buy? 150 00:07:15,030 --> 00:07:18,370 A lot of people, if you offer them one thing that's free, 151 00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:20,270 they want more free things. 152 00:07:20,270 --> 00:07:22,800 Again, he's saying, how many can we buy? 153 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,300 So my company and his company, we're 154 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:27,490 going back and forth on how many tickets they're going to buy, 155 00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,240 and we're not getting a clear commitment out of him 156 00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:31,952 as to how many people he's going to send. 157 00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:34,590 My people call me on a phone, and they'll say, 158 00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:36,660 we're getting ready to sell out. 159 00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:39,110 And if Herjavec and his people don't buy now, 160 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,110 they're not getting any. 161 00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:42,090 They're not even getting their free ticket 162 00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:44,190 because the tickets to our events are expensive, 163 00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:47,020 and my team is mad at me for giving way anything for free. 164 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:51,180 They don't care who it is, even if it's a famous guy from TV. 165 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,520 So at 5:03 in the afternoon-- 166 00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:56,097 because I've just gotten a call from my director of operations 167 00:07:56,100 --> 00:08:00,940 saying, if the Herjavec Group doesn't buy tickets now, 168 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,440 then they're not getting any because we're going to sell out 169 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,310 by tomorrow morning. 170 00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:06,230 And I'm in Los Angeles, and I'm getting a call 171 00:08:06,227 --> 00:08:07,637 from the East Coast. 172 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,230 So we're three hours behind the time frame anyway. 173 00:08:11,230 --> 00:08:14,740 So 5:03 in the afternoon, I send Robert Herjavec 174 00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:20,880 a two-line email, 5:03 on a Monday. 175 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:26,890 Are you against committing to three tickets now? 176 00:08:26,890 --> 00:08:32,030 Is it a ridiculous idea for you to pay for the tickets 177 00:08:32,030 --> 00:08:36,840 before the business day starts in New York tomorrow? 178 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:41,990 At 5:04, I get an email back from him 179 00:08:41,990 --> 00:08:45,740 that says, no, we'll make the commitment for three tickets 180 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,630 now. 181 00:08:47,630 --> 00:08:50,810 No, we got no problem paying for them right now. 182 00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:54,140 My assistant will be in touch with you within the hour. 183 00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:56,870 Send her a link and we'll pay. 184 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,880 I sent the link, and they made the payment by 5:23. 185 00:09:02,580 --> 00:09:06,360 How often do you get that kind of decision making from someone 186 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,890 at any time of the day, let alone after 5 o'clock? 187 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:22,360 What you're really trying to get is an authentic commitment. 188 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:26,890 And even with that, yes is nothing without how. 189 00:09:26,890 --> 00:09:30,250 I mean, whatever amount of time you spend on yes, 190 00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:34,930 it's almost useless because if it's a confirmation 191 00:09:34,930 --> 00:09:42,460 yes or a counterfeit yes, your real issue is, do you have how? 192 00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:47,390 A confirmation yes without a how will die. 193 00:09:47,390 --> 00:09:50,340 So how do we transition into how? 194 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:54,580 Remember, the key to negotiation is always using deference. 195 00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:56,620 So it's with a tone of voice. 196 00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:58,860 And if they haven't given you a way to proceed, 197 00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:03,430 then your first question is, how should we proceed? 198 00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:05,810 What are the next steps? 199 00:10:05,810 --> 00:10:09,060 How would you like to proceed? 200 00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:13,980 Use how or what to begin to pave your way into how 201 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,290 you're going to proceed. 202 00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:17,867 And then think in advance a little bit 203 00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:21,510 because there are always going to be implementation problems. 204 00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:24,950 So in some anticipation of that, you 205 00:10:24,950 --> 00:10:27,770 want to ask some how and what questions 206 00:10:27,770 --> 00:10:31,220 to deal with implementation problems in advance 207 00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:34,520 because if you haven't created a mechanism through what and how 208 00:10:34,515 --> 00:10:36,645 to deal with the problems, those problems are going 209 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,720 to fester until they explode. 210 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,470 You lay those safety valves in in advance, 211 00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:49,040 you avoid explosions or you avoid worse than an explosion. 212 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:53,300 You avoid nothing where they don't call you, 213 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,670 they don't tell you what's going on. 214 00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:58,830 You only find out about bad news indirectly. 215 00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:03,480 Put the safety valves of how do we know if we're on track 216 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,490 and how are we going to deal with it if we're off track, 217 00:11:06,490 --> 00:11:09,380 and you'll take care of your implementation.