WEBVTT

00:00.000 --> 00:00.500 align:middle line:90%


00:00.500 --> 00:04.940 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

00:04.940 --> 00:08.400 align:middle line:90%


00:08.400 --> 00:11.010 align:middle line:84%
 The amygdala is
this little organ

00:11.010 --> 00:15.420 align:middle line:84%
in the middle of your head,
and it is the nerve center

00:15.420 --> 00:17.640 align:middle line:90%
of all the emotions.

00:17.640 --> 00:19.200 align:middle line:84%
There were neuroscience
experiments

00:19.200 --> 00:22.770 align:middle line:84%
that were done where
they put people

00:22.770 --> 00:28.500 align:middle line:84%
in fMRIs, functional magnetic
resonance imaging equipment,

00:28.500 --> 00:30.420 align:middle line:84%
so they could watch
the electrical activity

00:30.420 --> 00:33.160 align:middle line:90%
in people's brains.

00:33.160 --> 00:34.840 align:middle line:84%
Then they induced
the negative emotion

00:34.840 --> 00:37.990 align:middle line:90%
by showing a photo to them.

00:37.990 --> 00:41.770 align:middle line:84%
The photo might make them
feel sad, angry, lonely, hurt,

00:41.770 --> 00:43.450 align:middle line:90%
upset.

00:43.450 --> 00:45.370 align:middle line:84%
They knew the photo
would trigger some sort

00:45.370 --> 00:47.980 align:middle line:90%
of a negative emotion.

00:47.980 --> 00:50.610 align:middle line:84%
They showed the
people the photo,

00:50.610 --> 00:54.050 align:middle line:84%
and they simply said,
what are you feeling?

00:54.050 --> 00:57.910 align:middle line:84%
They told them to
identify it or label it.

00:57.910 --> 01:01.900 align:middle line:84%
And every time that the
person self-labeled,

01:01.900 --> 01:04.810 align:middle line:84%
they saw the electrical
activity in the negative part

01:04.810 --> 01:08.820 align:middle line:84%
of the amygdala
decrease, every time.

01:08.820 --> 01:11.340 align:middle line:84%
Now, when we first started
on labels in a hostage

01:11.340 --> 01:14.460 align:middle line:84%
negotiation, we called
them emotion labels,

01:14.460 --> 01:17.850 align:middle line:84%
and we used it as a very
self-defining skill.

01:17.850 --> 01:20.160 align:middle line:90%
You labeled emotions.

01:20.160 --> 01:24.160 align:middle line:84%
You heard an emotion,
put a label on it.

01:24.160 --> 01:27.170 align:middle line:84%
If somebody sounded angry,
you said, you sound angry.

01:27.170 --> 01:30.280 align:middle line:84%
And if that negative
emotion is there,

01:30.280 --> 01:33.700 align:middle line:84%
that label will reduce
that negative emotion.

01:33.700 --> 01:38.290 align:middle line:84%
So in this session, I'm going
to teach you about labels.

01:38.290 --> 01:41.510 align:middle line:84%
Labels are just
verbal observations.

01:41.510 --> 01:43.610 align:middle line:84%
When I first came out
of hostage negotiation

01:43.610 --> 01:45.830 align:middle line:84%
into business
negotiation, I actually

01:45.830 --> 01:49.710 align:middle line:84%
thought this was the least
important skill on our list.

01:49.710 --> 01:53.280 align:middle line:84%
Having been involved in business
negotiation for quite a while

01:53.280 --> 01:56.580 align:middle line:84%
and coaching a lot of
people, we found out

01:56.580 --> 02:00.310 align:middle line:84%
that labels might be the most
important skill, the most

02:00.310 --> 02:04.120 align:middle line:84%
innocuous skill, and
the most MacGyver skill,

02:04.120 --> 02:09.430 align:middle line:84%
the most useful tool with the
most different applications

02:09.430 --> 02:15.060 align:middle line:84%
to unwind and solve some
of the trickiest problems.

02:15.060 --> 02:18.520 align:middle line:84%
Don't be fooled by
their simplicity.

02:18.520 --> 02:21.370 align:middle line:84%
Their simplicity
gives them elegance.

02:21.370 --> 02:23.158 align:middle line:90%
You'll enjoy learning labels.

02:23.158 --> 02:27.370 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

02:27.370 --> 02:29.710 align:middle line:90%


02:29.710 --> 02:32.050 align:middle line:90%
The steps to labeling.

02:32.050 --> 02:34.270 align:middle line:84%
The first step is
you simply being

02:34.270 --> 02:38.390 align:middle line:84%
aware of the emotion or the
dynamic from the other side.

02:38.390 --> 02:41.170 align:middle line:84%
Now, this is a lot easier
than it sounds because you've

02:41.170 --> 02:42.880 align:middle line:90%
got a great gut instinct.

02:42.880 --> 02:45.400 align:middle line:84%
Becoming aware of what your
gut instinct is picking up

02:45.400 --> 02:47.620 align:middle line:90%
is the first step.

02:47.620 --> 02:52.000 align:middle line:84%
Then the second step after
that is to simply label it.

02:52.000 --> 02:55.090 align:middle line:84%
That starts out with it seems
like, it sounds like, it

02:55.090 --> 02:58.060 align:middle line:90%
looks like, it feels like.

02:58.060 --> 03:00.520 align:middle line:84%
Those are the first
few words of a label,

03:00.520 --> 03:03.170 align:middle line:90%
and then just fill in the blank.

03:03.170 --> 03:05.523 align:middle line:84%
If your gut instinct
is to say, look,

03:05.523 --> 03:07.190 align:middle line:84%
I don't want you to
be upset about this,

03:07.190 --> 03:09.620 align:middle line:84%
your gut instinct is picking
up that they are upset

03:09.620 --> 03:12.520 align:middle line:90%
or they will be upset.

03:12.520 --> 03:14.685 align:middle line:90%
So take it and make it a label.

03:14.685 --> 03:17.760 align:middle line:84%
It seems like you're
upset about this.

03:17.760 --> 03:22.720 align:middle line:84%
What happens in your brain
is you say to yourself,

03:22.720 --> 03:24.140 align:middle line:90%
am I upset?

03:24.140 --> 03:26.610 align:middle line:90%
It triggers that contemplation.

03:26.610 --> 03:30.480 align:middle line:84%
And the mere act of
triggering that contemplation

03:30.480 --> 03:33.000 align:middle line:90%
deactivates the negative.

03:33.000 --> 03:35.973 align:middle line:84%
So my labels are going to do
several things simultaneously.

03:35.973 --> 03:37.640 align:middle line:84%
They're going to build
the relationship,

03:37.640 --> 03:40.120 align:middle line:84%
and they're going to help
me gather information.

03:40.120 --> 03:43.110 align:middle line:84%
And since both of those
things are happening,

03:43.110 --> 03:45.868 align:middle line:84%
then my influence with
you is going to increase.

03:45.868 --> 03:47.910 align:middle line:84%
And the great thing about
this type of influence,

03:47.910 --> 03:50.280 align:middle line:90%
this approach to influence--

03:50.280 --> 03:55.030 align:middle line:84%
this is what I call
trust-based influence.

03:55.030 --> 04:00.100 align:middle line:84%
It's the lowest-maintenance,
most durable type of influence

04:00.100 --> 04:01.286 align:middle line:90%
there is.

04:01.286 --> 04:05.254 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

04:05.254 --> 04:07.740 align:middle line:90%


04:07.740 --> 04:12.240 align:middle line:84%
A wrong way to label
something involves

04:12.240 --> 04:14.917 align:middle line:90%
the phrase "what I'm hearing."

04:14.917 --> 04:16.459 align:middle line:84%
Now, a lot of people
have been taught

04:16.459 --> 04:19.930 align:middle line:84%
to say, "well, what
I'm hearing is."

04:19.930 --> 04:23.110 align:middle line:84%
By starting out with
"what I'm hearing is,"

04:23.110 --> 04:26.760 align:middle line:84%
I've dropped the word
"I" in inappropriately,

04:26.760 --> 04:28.330 align:middle line:84%
and the message
that I'm conveying

04:28.330 --> 04:31.822 align:middle line:84%
is that I'm more interested
in my perspective than yours.

04:31.822 --> 04:33.280 align:middle line:84%
It's also important
that you resist

04:33.280 --> 04:37.030 align:middle line:84%
the urge to explain a label
or to add some follow-up

04:37.030 --> 04:41.140 align:middle line:84%
or to talk in any way,
actually, after a good label.

04:41.140 --> 04:43.510 align:middle line:84%
A good label, you've
got to let it sink in.

04:43.510 --> 04:45.290 align:middle line:84%
You've got to let
it have its effect.

04:45.290 --> 04:48.140 align:middle line:84%
You've got to let it trigger
the type of contemplation,

04:48.140 --> 04:50.790 align:middle line:84%
the type of thinking that
you want to have triggered

04:50.790 --> 04:51.540 align:middle line:90%
in the other side.

04:51.540 --> 04:55.080 align:middle line:84%
You got to let it fully
deactivate the negatives.

04:55.080 --> 04:57.840 align:middle line:84%
So after you've made a great
label, you've got to shut up.

04:57.840 --> 04:59.580 align:middle line:90%
You gotta shut the front door.

04:59.580 --> 05:00.750 align:middle line:90%
You got to stop talking.

05:00.750 --> 05:02.790 align:middle line:84%
Even if you get
another good label,

05:02.790 --> 05:04.860 align:middle line:84%
let the first one
hit hard and sink

05:04.860 --> 05:07.345 align:middle line:84%
in before you follow up
with the second label

05:07.345 --> 05:10.030 align:middle line:84%
or before you ask
a great question.

05:10.030 --> 05:11.700 align:middle line:90%
Let your label sink in.

05:11.700 --> 05:13.410 align:middle line:90%
Don't explain them.

05:13.410 --> 05:14.860 align:middle line:90%
Don't step on them.

05:14.860 --> 05:18.060 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

05:18.060 --> 05:21.012 align:middle line:90%


05:21.012 --> 05:23.880 align:middle line:84%
In a lot of circumstances,
it's probably

05:23.880 --> 05:26.250 align:middle line:84%
going to take more than
one label of a negative

05:26.250 --> 05:29.560 align:middle line:84%
to completely diffuse or
deactivate the negative.

05:29.560 --> 05:31.440 align:middle line:90%
Labels are cumulative.

05:31.440 --> 05:35.610 align:middle line:84%
I will coach you that
labeling negatives diffuses,

05:35.610 --> 05:38.100 align:middle line:90%
diminishes them every time.

05:38.100 --> 05:43.113 align:middle line:84%
The important part of that is
to remember although I said it

05:43.113 --> 05:44.530 align:middle line:84%
what kind of effect
it would have,

05:44.530 --> 05:47.350 align:middle line:84%
I didn't tell you
the degree of impact.

05:47.350 --> 05:50.740 align:middle line:84%
I didn't tell you how much it
would deactivate or diffuse

05:50.740 --> 05:51.670 align:middle line:90%
the negative.

05:51.670 --> 05:53.710 align:middle line:90%
Sometimes it's a little.

05:53.710 --> 05:55.820 align:middle line:90%
Sometimes it's a lot.

05:55.820 --> 06:00.520 align:middle line:84%
So you may label a negative
emotion, and the other side,

06:00.520 --> 06:03.430 align:middle line:84%
you perceive that
they don't react.

06:03.430 --> 06:08.380 align:middle line:84%
If you label a negative
and you get this response,

06:08.380 --> 06:11.770 align:middle line:84%
it's not that the
label didn't work.

06:11.770 --> 06:14.890 align:middle line:84%
It's actually that you're
on the right track.

06:14.890 --> 06:17.850 align:middle line:90%
You just need more.

06:17.850 --> 06:20.670 align:middle line:84%
So a lack of response
to a negative label

06:20.670 --> 06:24.690 align:middle line:84%
is a good sign that
you're on the right track.

06:24.690 --> 06:26.310 align:middle line:90%
Just keep going.

06:26.310 --> 06:27.150 align:middle line:90%
Label it some more.

06:27.150 --> 06:29.950 align:middle line:84%
You might even say
as a follow-up,

06:29.950 --> 06:33.276 align:middle line:84%
it sounds like I
haven't gone far enough.

06:33.276 --> 06:37.581 align:middle line:84%
It sounds like there's more
there than meets the eye.

06:37.581 --> 06:41.120 align:middle line:84%
It sounds like
there's some feelings

06:41.120 --> 06:44.760 align:middle line:84%
you have about this that I
haven't quite touched yet.

06:44.760 --> 06:49.110 align:middle line:84%
Those would all be
appropriate observations

06:49.110 --> 06:51.810 align:middle line:84%
to a response of
[STARING BLANKLY]

06:51.810 --> 06:53.660 align:middle line:90%
to your label.

06:53.660 --> 06:55.077 align:middle line:90%
It's just adding it up.

06:55.077 --> 06:58.813 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

06:58.813 --> 07:01.160 align:middle line:90%


07:01.160 --> 07:04.450 align:middle line:84%
What I've hoped I've
established with you

07:04.450 --> 07:07.903 align:middle line:84%
is that labeling a negative
deactivates a negative.

07:07.903 --> 07:09.820 align:middle line:84%
Now I want to talk with
you about what happens

07:09.820 --> 07:12.070 align:middle line:90%
when you label a positive.

07:12.070 --> 07:14.350 align:middle line:90%
It's the opposite.

07:14.350 --> 07:17.590 align:middle line:84%
Labeling a positive
reinforces it.

07:17.590 --> 07:20.350 align:middle line:84%
You may be in conversation
with a customer service

07:20.350 --> 07:27.380 align:middle line:84%
person for an airline, and
they're short-tempered.

07:27.380 --> 07:29.733 align:middle line:90%
They've been beaten up all day.

07:29.733 --> 07:31.400 align:middle line:84%
And you didn't call
to congratulate them

07:31.400 --> 07:33.810 align:middle line:84%
on having-- doing
a good job anyway.

07:33.810 --> 07:36.080 align:middle line:84%
You don't call customer
service to congratulate them

07:36.080 --> 07:38.535 align:middle line:84%
on what a great job
the airline's doing.

07:38.535 --> 07:39.160 align:middle line:90%
They know that.

07:39.160 --> 07:41.240 align:middle line:90%
They know you're mad in advance.

07:41.240 --> 07:43.440 align:middle line:90%
Now, here's the crazy part.

07:43.440 --> 07:48.120 align:middle line:84%
Their impatience, their empathy,
their perspective on this

07:48.120 --> 07:52.060 align:middle line:84%
is that if you're lucky to
be talking to them at all,

07:52.060 --> 07:55.500 align:middle line:84%
they're actually being
generous with their time.

07:55.500 --> 07:57.660 align:middle line:90%
That's their bizarro worldview.

07:57.660 --> 07:59.165 align:middle line:90%
Again, empathy is not the truth.

07:59.165 --> 08:00.040 align:middle line:90%
It's not the reality.

08:00.040 --> 08:02.650 align:middle line:84%
It's the other
side's point of view.

08:02.650 --> 08:05.980 align:middle line:84%
So a great positive
to reinforce here

08:05.980 --> 08:09.380 align:middle line:84%
is to say to them,
I appreciate you

08:09.380 --> 08:12.200 align:middle line:90%
being generous with your time.

08:12.200 --> 08:15.950 align:middle line:84%
It feels like you're being
really generous with me

08:15.950 --> 08:18.230 align:middle line:90%
right now.

08:18.230 --> 08:23.060 align:middle line:84%
I've, in fact, used that
with airline customer service

08:23.060 --> 08:27.170 align:middle line:84%
personnel who talked to me as
if I was lucky to have them

08:27.170 --> 08:32.039 align:middle line:84%
on the phone at all, put me on
hold for a long period of time.

08:32.039 --> 08:35.190 align:middle line:84%
When the woman came back
on a phone, I said, look,

08:35.190 --> 08:39.330 align:middle line:84%
it really feels like you're
being generous with your time.

08:39.330 --> 08:42.270 align:middle line:90%
And her tone changed instantly.

08:42.270 --> 08:45.630 align:middle line:84%
And she actually talked to
me for a few more moments,

08:45.630 --> 08:48.510 align:middle line:84%
put me on hold, and went
back and fixed the problem

08:48.510 --> 08:52.050 align:middle line:84%
with no charge, which was
exactly what I was after.

08:52.050 --> 08:55.660 align:middle line:84%
I wanted more
generosity from her.

08:55.660 --> 08:58.580 align:middle line:84%
And so since it was there,
I knew it was buried,

08:58.580 --> 09:02.700 align:middle line:84%
underlying the emotions
that were on the surface.

09:02.700 --> 09:05.450 align:middle line:84%
I just used a positive label
to reinforce it and build it

09:05.450 --> 09:06.488 align:middle line:90%
back up.

09:06.488 --> 09:12.840 align:middle line:90%
[MUSIC PLAYING]

09:12.840 --> 09:18.570 align:middle line:84%
Mirrors are a great way to
dial yourself in on labels.

09:18.570 --> 09:22.080 align:middle line:84%
I can remember in my early
days of teaching hostage

09:22.080 --> 09:25.710 align:middle line:84%
negotiation, we were teaching
some of the FBI agents

09:25.710 --> 09:28.910 align:middle line:84%
that were on the Hostage
Rescue Team, the Super SWATers.

09:28.910 --> 09:32.760 align:middle line:84%
And there was one of
the guys on the HRT

09:32.760 --> 09:36.220 align:middle line:90%
in particular that I saw him--

09:36.220 --> 09:38.100 align:middle line:84%
in a negotiation
scenario, he would

09:38.100 --> 09:41.820 align:middle line:84%
mirror and mirror and
mirror and then come up

09:41.820 --> 09:43.080 align:middle line:90%
with a great label.

09:43.080 --> 09:46.880 align:middle line:84%
So the combination of
mirrors leading into labels

09:46.880 --> 09:49.710 align:middle line:84%
will really help you if
you're having trouble

09:49.710 --> 09:53.820 align:middle line:84%
getting a grasp on exactly
what the dynamic or the emotion

09:53.820 --> 09:55.910 align:middle line:90%
that the other side is feeling.

09:55.910 --> 09:59.580 align:middle line:84%
Your mirrors will do a great
job in teasing that out.

09:59.580 --> 10:04.735 align:middle line:84%
And a flip side is
after a great label,

10:04.735 --> 10:06.610 align:middle line:84%
they may have given you
a lot of information,

10:06.610 --> 10:10.650 align:middle line:84%
and there may be a part of that
that you want to expand on.

10:10.650 --> 10:13.780 align:middle line:84%
So whatever their
response is to the label,

10:13.780 --> 10:16.750 align:middle line:84%
you can mirror one
or two or three

10:16.750 --> 10:21.040 align:middle line:84%
words out of that response
and get a lot more information

10:21.040 --> 10:22.300 align:middle line:90%
afterwards.

10:22.300 --> 10:24.340 align:middle line:84%
So here's how that
might play out

10:24.340 --> 10:27.500 align:middle line:84%
if you were going to
mirror following a label.

10:27.500 --> 10:30.700 align:middle line:84%
I might say to you, it
sounds like this deal

10:30.700 --> 10:33.200 align:middle line:90%
is making you upset.

10:33.200 --> 10:35.750 align:middle line:84%
And you'll say, well,
it's not making me upset.

10:35.750 --> 10:38.360 align:middle line:84%
What it really is is we got some
real implementation problems

10:38.360 --> 10:40.820 align:middle line:84%
here on the other side
because we've had trouble

10:40.820 --> 10:42.680 align:middle line:90%
with this in the past.

10:42.680 --> 10:46.088 align:middle line:84%
I'll simply say,
trouble in the past?

10:46.088 --> 10:47.630 align:middle line:84%
And you'll say,
yeah, well, you know,

10:47.630 --> 10:49.293 align:middle line:84%
it happened to us
with another company.

10:49.293 --> 10:51.710 align:middle line:84%
It was actually the vendor we
had before you guys came in,

10:51.710 --> 10:52.890 align:middle line:84%
and they gave us
a lot of problems.

10:52.890 --> 10:54.140 align:middle line:84%
But we're really
worried that you guys

10:54.140 --> 10:55.182 align:middle line:90%
are doing the same thing.

10:55.182 --> 10:56.750 align:middle line:84%
We realize that
you're different,

10:56.750 --> 10:58.620 align:middle line:84%
but, you know,
we're not sure yet,

10:58.620 --> 11:01.540 align:middle line:84%
because we're still early
in the relationship.

11:01.540 --> 11:05.178 align:middle line:84%
And then I might say,
early in the relationship?

11:05.178 --> 11:06.720 align:middle line:84%
But any one of those
selected mirrors

11:06.720 --> 11:08.790 align:middle line:84%
is going to tease a
lot of information

11:08.790 --> 11:12.310 align:middle line:84%
out about exactly
what I'm after.

11:12.310 --> 11:13.960 align:middle line:84%
And it also helps
you think it out

11:13.960 --> 11:17.170 align:middle line:84%
loud sort that if there
are contradictions

11:17.170 --> 11:20.500 align:middle line:84%
in your thinking, you're
much more likely to see them

11:20.500 --> 11:24.700 align:middle line:84%
once you've articulated them
than when they're banging

11:24.700 --> 11:26.967 align:middle line:90%
around inside your head.

11:26.967 --> 11:27.467 align:middle line:90%