WEBVTT

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 So the common misconception
about negotiation

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is that you have
to make your case.

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You have to make your argument.

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You need to come
prepared with the reasons

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why the other side should
make the deal, your value

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proposition.

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If you will, and need
to lay all that out.

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That is not the case.

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You need to find
out what's possible,

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and you need to engage the other
side in what their thoughts are

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so that they feel
involved in the process,

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and consequently they
want the deal to happen.

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So what I'm going to teach
you with mirrors and a section

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on mirroring is
how to use mirrors

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to get the other side
engaged, to get them

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to feel like they're involved,
and also to tease out

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the information that you
might not have had otherwise,

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pieces of information
that are going to make all

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the difference in the world.

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And one of the sayings
about negotiation

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is negotiation is
the art of letting

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the other side have your way.

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So mirroring gets them talking
and creates the opportunity

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for them actually to
present you with your deal,

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only they thought
it was their idea.

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So mirroring is critical
in information gathering

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and in the art of letting
the other side have your way.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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Mirroring.

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The hostage
negotiator's mirroring.

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It's just the simple
repetition of one

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to three words, one
two three-ish words.

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Typically it's the
last one to three words

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of what somebody said.

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But when you get
good at mirroring,

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you could pick one to
three words from anywhere

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in the conversation.

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The other person
feels listened to.

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It tends to connect their
thoughts in their head.

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Part of the message it
sends to the other person

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is I heard every word
you said word for word,

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and I'm proving it because I
just repeated it back to you.

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But it's not enough.

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I still don't get it.

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And when people go on with
a further explanation,

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they're going to add more words.

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They're going to
change their terms.

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One of the things
that's in the book

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"Never Split the
Difference" was one time

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when my son mirrored me.

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We were getting ready
for some training,

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and I asked him if the
notebooks were ready.

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Now he sensed from the
way I was asking it

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that the picture in his
head of what a notebook was

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and the picture in
my head of a notebook

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were two different things.

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And he said to me, what
do you mean by notebooks?

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And all I did was say
notebooks, louder.

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Same words exactly,
only louder, which

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is what people often
do because they

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think the words that they've
selected are perfect.

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So how could you not understand?

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You know, I wasn't loud enough.

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And he asked me a couple times,
what do you mean by notebooks?

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And I just said, notebooks.

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And finally he looked at
me he said, notebooks?

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And I said yeah,
three ring binders.

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He's like, ah, because he had
a completely different picture

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in his head.

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And to this day, he will
stand up and hold up a folder

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and say, this is a notebook,
and this is a three ring binder,

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and they're not the same thing.

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But that's what happens.

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People go on.

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People elaborate.

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People use different words.

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It's ridiculously simple.

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It's so absurdly simple
that a lot of people

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think it'll never work
until they start using it,

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and they find it's fantastic.

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The other side loves it when
you're paying attention.

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They love it when you gently
know that what they have said

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is inadequate.

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But they're not being
accused of being inadequate,

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and people go on.

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It's a remarkable skill.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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Mirroring is also a
rapport-building relationship

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process.

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People love to be mirrored.

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They love to be
encouraged to go on.

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There's an old saying,
interesting people

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are interested.

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If you mirror, you
will be ridiculously

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interesting to other
people because you're

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interested in them, and they're
going to love talking to you.

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I've been at social gatherings
where there were one

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or two people there that had
studied our techniques that

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walked around and mirrored
people the entire time.

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We were at a weekend yoga
retreat, of all places, once.

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And there was an
individual there,

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he drove his wife crazy because
the only thing he ever did

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with anybody was mirror them.

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And so he spent an entire
weekend mirroring everybody

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that spoke to him.

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And he told his wife
in advance that that

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was all he was going to do.

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And all the women
at the yoga retreat

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kept coming up to
his wife, saying,

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your husband is the most
interesting guy we ever met.

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Oh, my god, we love
talking to him.

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Please always bring them
with you when you come along.

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And he's just walking around
with this big, silly smile

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on his face because all he
did was mirror everybody,

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and they loved them.

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A great example of what this
gentleman would often do

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is someone would say, you
know, I'm really enjoying being

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here at this yoga retreat.

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And he'd say, at
the yoga retreat?

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And they say, yeah, you know,
I mean, this is a great place.

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I mean, I'm getting a lot
of time to really think.

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I'm eating really healthy.

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And he'd say, you're
eating really healthy?

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And they'd go, yeah, you know,
the food here is fantastic.

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I mean, you go up there.

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They've got everything
laid out for you.

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They've thought of
everything in advance.

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It's all organic.

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And they've really taken a
lot of care with the food.

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And he'd say, a lot
of care with the food?

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Yeah, you know, they're really
careful with the food here.

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They're really-- and
that's all it is.

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If you're genuinely curious
about the other person,

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you're interested, you're
looking forward to hearing

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what they have to say.

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You want to learn from them.

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You're positive about it.

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You're not judgmental.

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You're interested.

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And genuine curiosity
is a great trigger

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to get people to keep talking.

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And a mirror that finishes
with a tone of voice

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of genuine curiosity
is compelling.

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It's powerful.

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People are drawn to it.

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They want to say more.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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If someone's coming at me in
a very confrontational manner,

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let's say, in a
business setting,

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they're going to have a
problem with my price.

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And so they might say,
your price is too high.

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And I would say, our
price is too high?

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Yeah, well, you know,
we can't pay that.

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You know, we've got
a limited budget.

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And I might say, you
got a limited budget?

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Yeah, well, you know,
we've got other things

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we have to worry about.

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There's a lot of
things that we're

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trying to accomplish here.

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Other things you're
trying to accomplish?

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And they're going to go on and
they're going to elaborate,

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and they're going
to give me context.

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And they're going to feel
like I'm working with them.

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They're not going
to feel me fighting.

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You know, it takes two to fight.

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I'm going to change this
wrestling match into a dance.

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And if I refuse to
engage in the wrestling,

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but I still want to
engage, then that changes

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into a collaboration
almost immediately.

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The next time someone is being
confrontational with you,

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try a mirror.

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Use a great tone of
voice, genuine curiosity.

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Mirror them a few
times and see if they

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don't change their tune.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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So the recipe for mirroring,
first of all, is just,

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you know, the last
one to three words

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of what someone just said.

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But then the critical issue
afterwards is to shut up,

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you know, effective
pause or dynamic silence.

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A lot of people
have trouble going

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silent because a lot of people
signal anger with silence,

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so they're afraid that
their silence will

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be misinterpreted as anger.

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But it's critical, to display
that you're interested,

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that you go silent,
especially after a mirror,

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especially after the
use of a great skill.

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You want to go
silent afterwards.

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Let the other person think.

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Let your skill sink
into their head.

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Let it have its
intended effect, and go

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silent, which also lets the
person know that you really

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want to hear, and you're going
to shut up until they do.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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If these tools make
you feel awkward

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or they feel counter intuitive,
or you say to yourself,

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that's not going
to work, awesome.

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What that means is
you're learning.

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You're creating a new skill,
that whatever you're doing now,

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you can add to it and you
can do it even better.

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Awkwardness is an
indicator of learning.

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All right, to give
you an example

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of what this feels
like, I ask you

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to make a fist with both hands.

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Put your right thumb up.

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Put your left forefinger out.

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That might have
taken you a second.

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Now switch.

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Switch back.

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Do it again.

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Speed it up.

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Quicker.

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Probably if I'd
have asked you to do

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that while you were standing
up, you might have fallen over.

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But what was that feeling
when I asked you to do it?

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It was awkwardness.

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So as you practicing the
tools I'm going to teach you,

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it's going to feel awkward.

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You're going to feel like
you're going to quit.

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You're going to give up.

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You're going to try to mirror
somebody at the water cooler,

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and you're going to feel
like they're going to scream

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at you for mirroring them.

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Just get your repetitions in.

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Try it in low stakes practice.

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Try with the Starbucks clerk.

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Try it with the hotel clerk.

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Try it with people that you're
willing to give yourself

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a chance to learn
with because you

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don't have that much at stake.

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Get your three weeks
of practice in.

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Get your 63 to 64
repetitions in,

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and it will come
naturally to you,

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and you'll get past
the awkwardness.