WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:03.486 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 00:03.486 --> 00:08.480 align:middle line:90% 00:08.480 --> 00:11.720 align:middle line:84% I've got a technique that I absolutely love, 00:11.720 --> 00:14.830 align:middle line:84% and I want you to come to love it as well. 00:14.830 --> 00:17.310 align:middle line:84% It's called the accusations audit. 00:17.310 --> 00:21.700 align:middle line:84% An accusations audit is taking a step back, and taking 00:21.700 --> 00:28.800 align:middle line:84% an inventory, doing an audit of all the possible negatives, 00:28.800 --> 00:34.900 align:middle line:84% names, accusations, slanderous things 00:34.900 --> 00:37.390 align:middle line:84% that the other side might be thinking about me 00:37.390 --> 00:39.940 align:middle line:84% based on the circumstances, or the environment, 00:39.940 --> 00:42.540 align:middle line:90% or their own paranoia. 00:42.540 --> 00:44.880 align:middle line:84% All the things, that if I had the chance, I would say, 00:44.880 --> 00:46.880 align:middle line:90% I don't want you to feel. 00:46.880 --> 00:51.530 align:middle line:84% What happens when you do this is you start digging 00:51.530 --> 00:56.180 align:middle line:84% out all the negatives that the other side may be harboring 00:56.180 --> 01:00.740 align:middle line:84% based on past experiences, maybe based on past lives. 01:00.740 --> 01:02.300 align:middle line:90% Who knows? 01:02.300 --> 01:04.967 align:middle line:84% You know, it's the old phrase about the elephant in the room. 01:04.967 --> 01:06.550 align:middle line:84% First of all, the elephant in the room 01:06.550 --> 01:10.800 align:middle line:84% doesn't go away by pretending it's not there. 01:10.800 --> 01:13.710 align:middle line:84% The elephant in the room doesn't go away by you saying, 01:13.710 --> 01:16.870 align:middle line:90% there's not an elephant a room. 01:16.870 --> 01:19.630 align:middle line:84% The elephant in the room is diminished, and eventually goes 01:19.630 --> 01:22.760 align:middle line:84% away, by you saying, hey, there's 01:22.760 --> 01:24.980 align:middle line:90% an elephant in the room. 01:24.980 --> 01:30.060 align:middle line:84% And then people go, yeah, that's not that bad. 01:30.060 --> 01:34.810 align:middle line:84% So conduct an inventory, do an audit 01:34.810 --> 01:40.540 align:middle line:84% of all the possible negative names, negative feelings, 01:40.540 --> 01:45.580 align:middle line:84% slanderous accusations that the other side might have. 01:45.580 --> 01:51.100 align:middle line:84% Make a list, and go after them early on and quickly, 01:51.100 --> 01:53.020 align:middle line:90% fearlessly. 01:53.020 --> 01:57.750 align:middle line:84% Unexpressed negative emotions never die. 01:57.750 --> 02:03.350 align:middle line:84% They fester like an infection, and they become cancerous. 02:03.350 --> 02:05.640 align:middle line:84% And this is an approach to go after these, 02:05.640 --> 02:08.560 align:middle line:84% and even get out in front of them, 02:08.560 --> 02:11.630 align:middle line:84% and trigger the working collaborative relationship 02:11.630 --> 02:12.630 align:middle line:90% from the very beginning. 02:12.630 --> 02:16.590 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 02:16.590 --> 02:19.560 align:middle line:90% 02:19.560 --> 02:21.360 align:middle line:84% So you can frame the accusations audits 02:21.360 --> 02:24.380 align:middle line:90% a couple of different ways. 02:24.380 --> 02:26.560 align:middle line:84% If you've been in the relationship for a while, 02:26.560 --> 02:28.460 align:middle line:90% just the straight label. 02:28.460 --> 02:32.290 align:middle line:84% Now, it seems like you're not getting all the information out 02:32.290 --> 02:34.206 align:middle line:90% of us that you want. 02:34.206 --> 02:36.810 align:middle line:84% It probably feels like we're holding back on you. 02:36.810 --> 02:39.040 align:middle line:84% It probably feels like we're wasting your time. 02:39.040 --> 02:42.430 align:middle line:84% It feels like that we're not being honest with you. 02:42.430 --> 02:44.940 align:middle line:90% 02:44.940 --> 02:48.360 align:middle line:84% At the very beginning, you can be a little more speculative, 02:48.360 --> 02:51.060 align:middle line:84% a little more tentative with it, a little more just 02:51.060 --> 02:55.972 align:middle line:84% recognizing what might probably happened. 02:55.972 --> 02:57.430 align:middle line:84% So at the beginning, you might say, 02:57.430 --> 02:58.990 align:middle line:84% you're probably going to ask yourself 02:58.990 --> 03:00.770 align:middle line:90% why you're taking this meeting. 03:00.770 --> 03:03.928 align:middle line:84% It probably feels like it might seem 03:03.928 --> 03:05.720 align:middle line:84% like everybody else is in this line of work 03:05.720 --> 03:09.490 align:middle line:84% and that there is no difference between me and anybody else. 03:09.490 --> 03:12.860 align:middle line:84% You may even think like that the people 03:12.860 --> 03:15.820 align:middle line:84% on your side of the table are going to think 03:15.820 --> 03:18.040 align:middle line:90% you're getting pushed around. 03:18.040 --> 03:19.630 align:middle line:84% You can be a little more speculative 03:19.630 --> 03:24.320 align:middle line:84% in those observations because you're 03:24.320 --> 03:28.340 align:middle line:84% conveying to the other side that you're being attentive, 03:28.340 --> 03:30.590 align:middle line:84% and you're being speculative, but you're being careful 03:30.590 --> 03:32.993 align:middle line:84% about it the entire time, and they're going 03:32.993 --> 03:34.160 align:middle line:90% to appreciate your approach. 03:34.160 --> 03:37.400 align:middle line:84% This gets back to being a straight shooter. 03:37.400 --> 03:39.387 align:middle line:90% You're telling the truth. 03:39.387 --> 03:40.470 align:middle line:90% You're calling things out. 03:40.470 --> 03:41.630 align:middle line:90% You're recognizing things. 03:41.630 --> 03:44.420 align:middle line:84% But you've taken responsibility for how the statements 03:44.420 --> 03:45.090 align:middle line:90% you make land. 03:45.090 --> 03:48.457 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 03:48.457 --> 03:51.830 align:middle line:90% 03:51.830 --> 03:56.390 align:middle line:84% So is this tactic applicable to everyday negotiations? 03:56.390 --> 04:03.890 align:middle line:84% Well, it's only applicable when humans are involved. 04:03.890 --> 04:07.820 align:middle line:84% One of my favorite interactions to get a late checkout, 04:07.820 --> 04:10.640 align:middle line:84% and the use of the accusations audit, and understand, 04:10.640 --> 04:11.763 align:middle line:90% I like to be concise. 04:11.763 --> 04:12.680 align:middle line:90% I like to go after it. 04:12.680 --> 04:16.440 align:middle line:84% I like to deactivate it as much as possible along the way. 04:16.440 --> 04:17.899 align:middle line:84% And I have literally done this when 04:17.899 --> 04:20.399 align:middle line:84% I've called them from my room and asked for a late checkout. 04:20.399 --> 04:22.460 align:middle line:84% And I'm just honest, I need a check out. 04:22.460 --> 04:24.730 align:middle line:90% No, we can't give it to you. 04:24.730 --> 04:26.960 align:middle line:84% You've got to check out at 11, or whatever it is. 04:26.960 --> 04:29.750 align:middle line:84% So I'll get up out of my room, and I'll walk down 04:29.750 --> 04:33.360 align:middle line:84% to the front, desk and I may get the same person 04:33.360 --> 04:34.360 align:middle line:90% that I had on the phone. 04:34.360 --> 04:36.660 align:middle line:84% Enough time has transpired from when I left my room 04:36.660 --> 04:38.570 align:middle line:90% to get down to the front desk. 04:38.570 --> 04:41.970 align:middle line:84% And I'll walk up to the hotel clerk, and I'll say, 04:41.970 --> 04:47.780 align:middle line:84% I'm getting ready to make your day ridiculously difficult. 04:47.780 --> 04:50.660 align:middle line:84% And you can just watch stuff go through their brains. 04:50.660 --> 04:53.775 align:middle line:84% Now, a front desk hotel clerk, god knows what they face. 04:53.775 --> 04:55.400 align:middle line:84% You know, somebody comes out of a room, 04:55.400 --> 04:58.130 align:middle line:84% I'm getting ready to make your day ridiculously difficult. 04:58.130 --> 05:00.777 align:middle line:84% The stuff they've seen up to that point in time, what's 05:00.777 --> 05:02.360 align:middle line:84% going through their mind is, you know, 05:02.360 --> 05:05.540 align:middle line:84% did you have diarrhea all over the room? 05:05.540 --> 05:07.610 align:middle line:84% were you part of a satanic cult, and you 05:07.610 --> 05:11.750 align:middle line:84% just sacrificed one of our laundry people in your room 05:11.750 --> 05:14.400 align:middle line:84% and are there pentagrams all over the wall? 05:14.400 --> 05:16.172 align:middle line:84% You know, they've probably seen it all, 05:16.172 --> 05:18.380 align:middle line:84% and they're going to think horrible thoughts for just 05:18.380 --> 05:22.850 align:middle line:84% a moment, just a moment, just a dynamic silence of a pause. 05:22.850 --> 05:24.830 align:middle line:84% And then you shut up until they look at you 05:24.830 --> 05:26.420 align:middle line:84% and give you permission to go on. 05:26.420 --> 05:30.520 align:middle line:84% And they give you permission to go on by saying, what is it? 05:30.520 --> 05:32.020 align:middle line:84% And you say, I need a late checkout. 05:32.020 --> 05:33.020 align:middle line:90% And they go, oh, my god. 05:33.020 --> 05:33.692 align:middle line:90% Okay, sure. 05:33.692 --> 05:34.400 align:middle line:90% What do you need? 05:34.400 --> 05:35.900 align:middle line:90% 2:00, 3:00, 4:00? 05:35.900 --> 05:36.860 align:middle line:90% What do you need? 05:36.860 --> 05:38.180 align:middle line:90% And they give it to you. 05:38.180 --> 05:43.160 align:middle line:84% Now, this works, I'd like to say, every time. 05:43.160 --> 05:46.720 align:middle line:84% There may have been a time when that didn't work, 05:46.720 --> 05:49.870 align:middle line:84% but it works 999 times out of 1,000. 05:49.870 --> 05:53.507 align:middle line:84% It works enough that I go down, and I use it, 05:53.507 --> 05:55.090 align:middle line:84% and I get late checkouts all the time. 05:55.090 --> 05:58.520 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 05:58.520 --> 06:01.960 align:middle line:90% 06:01.960 --> 06:06.010 align:middle line:84% How exhaustive should you be in your list of accusations 06:06.010 --> 06:07.743 align:middle line:90% that you're compiling? 06:07.743 --> 06:09.160 align:middle line:84% I'm here to tell you, if you don't 06:09.160 --> 06:10.660 align:middle line:84% feel like you're laying it on thick, 06:10.660 --> 06:14.310 align:middle line:84% you're not laying it on thick enough. 06:14.310 --> 06:16.890 align:middle line:84% We have coached people time after time and run 06:16.890 --> 06:21.600 align:middle line:84% people through exercises where we've had them make lists. 06:21.600 --> 06:27.100 align:middle line:84% And nearly every time, they leave stuff out. 06:27.100 --> 06:32.390 align:middle line:84% It really takes a fearless and courageous brainstorming effect 06:32.390 --> 06:37.890 align:middle line:84% on your part to really go after everything. 06:37.890 --> 06:41.320 align:middle line:84% And it's rare that you're going to overdo it. 06:41.320 --> 06:44.260 align:middle line:84% So be as forward thinking as possible. 06:44.260 --> 06:46.860 align:middle line:84% And a great way to test that is, as you're laying out 06:46.860 --> 06:50.690 align:middle line:84% your accusations audits, read the other side's reaction 06:50.690 --> 06:52.460 align:middle line:90% all along the way. 06:52.460 --> 06:54.050 align:middle line:84% If you've got a list of 15 things, 06:54.050 --> 06:55.880 align:middle line:84% and you've gone through the first three, 06:55.880 --> 06:59.600 align:middle line:84% and they say, oh, you're being too hard on yourself, 06:59.600 --> 07:01.340 align:middle line:90% you know you've done your job. 07:01.340 --> 07:04.510 align:middle line:84% Actually, where you want to get to is when the other side says, 07:04.510 --> 07:07.750 align:middle line:84% you know, you know, you're being too hard on yourself. 07:07.750 --> 07:09.940 align:middle line:84% Because when somebody says that, they 07:09.940 --> 07:13.250 align:middle line:84% have stepped to your side of the table. 07:13.250 --> 07:17.460 align:middle line:84% You have forced empathy into this situation, 07:17.460 --> 07:19.370 align:middle line:84% and that's exactly what your objective is. 07:19.370 --> 07:22.765 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 07:22.765 --> 07:26.170 align:middle line:90% 07:26.170 --> 07:29.170 align:middle line:84% So here's what I'm asking you to do. 07:29.170 --> 07:34.190 align:middle line:84% I'm asking you to be willing to test drive it. 07:34.190 --> 07:36.760 align:middle line:84% Pick some low stakes conversations 07:36.760 --> 07:39.890 align:middle line:84% where if they go bad on you, no harm, no foul. 07:39.890 --> 07:42.470 align:middle line:90% It doesn't matter what it is. 07:42.470 --> 07:46.790 align:middle line:84% You're not going to play a high stakes negotiation with a skill 07:46.790 --> 07:48.680 align:middle line:84% that you haven't test-driven in a low stakes 07:48.680 --> 07:51.190 align:middle line:90% conversation any way. 07:51.190 --> 07:54.550 align:middle line:84% Nobody performs in a championship with something 07:54.550 --> 07:56.320 align:middle line:90% they've never tried before. 07:56.320 --> 07:58.050 align:middle line:90% They've done it in practice. 07:58.050 --> 08:02.500 align:middle line:84% So practice on your low stakes skills, try it out a few times, 08:02.500 --> 08:04.530 align:middle line:90% see what you think.