WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.958 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 00:02.958 --> 00:08.390 align:middle line:90% 00:08.390 --> 00:10.560 align:middle line:84% So why is how you say something 00:10.560 --> 00:12.080 align:middle line:90% so important to a negotiation? 00:12.080 --> 00:15.750 align:middle line:84% Well, the reality is, your inner voice betrays your outer voice. 00:15.750 --> 00:20.640 align:middle line:84% I might say to you, that was a good question, 00:20.640 --> 00:24.660 align:middle line:84% and my voice says that I thought your question was stupid. 00:24.660 --> 00:29.860 align:middle line:84% Or I could say, that was a good question. 00:29.860 --> 00:32.439 align:middle line:84% Or even with how am I supposed to do that? 00:32.439 --> 00:35.240 align:middle line:84% I could say, how am I supposed to do that? 00:35.240 --> 00:39.700 align:middle line:84% You know, my tone of voice is saying, you idiot. 00:39.700 --> 00:44.160 align:middle line:84% But I can say, how am I supposed to do that? 00:44.160 --> 00:46.290 align:middle line:84% My tone of voice is saying, look, I'm trying. 00:46.290 --> 00:47.035 align:middle line:90% I want to help. 00:47.035 --> 00:47.910 align:middle line:90% I just can't do that. 00:47.910 --> 00:49.020 align:middle line:90% I'm not fighting you. 00:49.020 --> 00:51.140 align:middle line:90% I'll do whatever I can do. 00:51.140 --> 00:52.550 align:middle line:90% I can't do that. 00:52.550 --> 00:56.420 align:middle line:84% Your voice, your deliveries, speaks volumes. 00:56.420 --> 00:57.500 align:middle line:90% It conveys deference. 00:57.500 --> 00:59.630 align:middle line:90% Everybody loves deference. 00:59.630 --> 01:01.460 align:middle line:90% It conveys genuine curiosity. 01:01.460 --> 01:03.630 align:middle line:90% It conveys collaboration. 01:03.630 --> 01:07.770 align:middle line:84% I mean, your voice alone can be such an art. 01:07.770 --> 01:09.630 align:middle line:84% When I was teaching hostage negotiation, 01:09.630 --> 01:12.240 align:middle line:84% I knew a hostage negotiator might not even 01:12.240 --> 01:13.500 align:middle line:90% say the right things. 01:13.500 --> 01:16.140 align:middle line:84% If they had a great voice, we were probably 01:16.140 --> 01:18.150 align:middle line:90% going to be all right. 01:18.150 --> 01:21.140 align:middle line:84% Flip side, they could have all the techniques down. 01:21.140 --> 01:25.940 align:middle line:84% If they sounded like a robot, they were going to be horrible. 01:25.940 --> 01:29.065 align:middle line:84% You can say the perfect words, and if you 01:29.065 --> 01:31.190 align:middle line:84% say them like you think the other person is stupid, 01:31.190 --> 01:33.930 align:middle line:84% or a robot, and you're tone of voice 01:33.930 --> 01:36.255 align:middle line:84% you're going to destroy your word selection. 01:36.255 --> 01:38.880 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 01:38.880 --> 01:43.130 align:middle line:90% 01:43.130 --> 01:45.790 align:middle line:84% If you can see me, or if you can hear me, 01:45.790 --> 01:47.710 align:middle line:84% I can hit the mirror neurons in your brain. 01:47.710 --> 01:49.930 align:middle line:84% To find angry, I'm going to hit your mirror neurons 01:49.930 --> 01:52.430 align:middle line:90% you're going to get angry to. 01:52.430 --> 01:54.590 align:middle line:90% It's an involuntary response. 01:54.590 --> 01:58.000 align:middle line:84% If I'm talking with you, and I use the late night, 01:58.000 --> 02:03.200 align:middle line:84% FM, DJ voice, I've hit your mirror neurons, 02:03.200 --> 02:05.040 align:middle line:90% and I've slowed your brain down. 02:05.040 --> 02:08.110 align:middle line:84% That was the default voice for hostage negotiators. 02:08.110 --> 02:12.300 align:middle line:84% We were taught to use a late night, FM, DJ voice 02:12.300 --> 02:15.810 align:middle line:84% with every bank robber, or kidnapper, or terrorist. 02:15.810 --> 02:17.040 align:middle line:90% We knew to calm them down. 02:17.040 --> 02:17.670 align:middle line:90% We didn't know why. 02:17.670 --> 02:18.240 align:middle line:90% We didn't care. 02:18.240 --> 02:19.657 align:middle line:84% We knew that was a law of gravity, 02:19.657 --> 02:21.390 align:middle line:90% calm the other side down. 02:21.390 --> 02:23.340 align:middle line:90% It tamped down their emotions. 02:23.340 --> 02:27.017 align:middle line:84% So if I need you to calm down, I can't say calm down. 02:27.017 --> 02:27.600 align:middle line:90% It's an order. 02:27.600 --> 02:28.683 align:middle line:90% You're going to hate that. 02:28.683 --> 02:31.010 align:middle line:84% But I hit you with a late night, FM, DJ voice, 02:31.010 --> 02:34.560 align:middle line:84% I might even smile while I'm at it. 02:34.560 --> 02:37.230 align:middle line:90% Smile when you talk to people. 02:37.230 --> 02:39.300 align:middle line:84% Trigger their mirror neurons in a positive way. 02:39.300 --> 02:40.050 align:middle line:90% Make them smarter. 02:40.050 --> 02:42.602 align:middle line:84% Make yourself smart at the same time. 02:42.602 --> 02:45.060 align:middle line:84% Don't allow yourself to be held hostage over whether or not 02:45.060 --> 02:48.670 align:middle line:84% they like you, and you'll increase your ability 02:48.670 --> 02:52.030 align:middle line:84% to make deals by hitting their mirror neurons, 02:52.030 --> 02:55.540 align:middle line:84% calming them down, soothing them, and then making them 02:55.540 --> 02:57.940 align:middle line:84% feel like you're worthy of collaboration 02:57.940 --> 02:59.140 align:middle line:90% simply by smiling at them. 02:59.140 --> 03:02.110 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 03:02.110 --> 03:06.070 align:middle line:90% 03:06.070 --> 03:08.170 align:middle line:84% So, there's basically three different tones 03:08.170 --> 03:11.960 align:middle line:84% of voice combined with two inflections. 03:11.960 --> 03:15.440 align:middle line:84% The fight guy, the assertive that's my natural born type. 03:15.440 --> 03:18.370 align:middle line:84% You know we think of ourselves as direct and honest. 03:18.370 --> 03:20.080 align:middle line:90% You know, we're blunt. 03:20.080 --> 03:23.290 align:middle line:84% Let's say, for example, that my price for a given product 03:23.290 --> 03:25.830 align:middle line:90% was $35,000. 03:25.830 --> 03:30.220 align:middle line:84% And I'd say, the price for our product is $35,000. 03:30.220 --> 03:32.223 align:middle line:84% That's the assertive's tone of voice. 03:32.223 --> 03:33.640 align:middle line:84% I mean, I'm just saying it to you. 03:33.640 --> 03:35.700 align:middle line:90% I'm being direct and honest. 03:35.700 --> 03:39.790 align:middle line:84% You are feeling like you're getting punched in the nose. 03:39.790 --> 03:44.140 align:middle line:84% The assertive's tone of voice is always counterproductive. 03:44.140 --> 03:48.250 align:middle line:84% In the real world, I have seen that anger always 03:48.250 --> 03:50.840 align:middle line:90% leaves a negative residue. 03:50.840 --> 03:51.940 align:middle line:90% Always. 03:51.940 --> 03:55.390 align:middle line:84% And anger is always bad for long term relationships. 03:55.390 --> 03:57.430 align:middle line:84% And that's the reason that we tell people 03:57.430 --> 04:01.627 align:middle line:84% who are natural born assertives, you got to fix that voice, 04:01.627 --> 04:03.210 align:middle line:84% because it's always counterproductive. 04:03.210 --> 04:06.396 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 04:06.396 --> 04:10.204 align:middle line:90% 04:10.204 --> 04:10.860 align:middle line:90% All right. 04:10.860 --> 04:13.500 align:middle line:84% So the accommodator's voice, it's a playful voice. 04:13.500 --> 04:15.700 align:middle line:84% Same thing, I'll give you my price. 04:15.700 --> 04:19.720 align:middle line:90% I'll say, my price is $35,000. 04:19.720 --> 04:24.080 align:middle line:84% You know, I'm saying it like, I know this is crazy, 04:24.080 --> 04:26.530 align:middle line:90% saying, it feels like a lot. 04:26.530 --> 04:28.030 align:middle line:84% But I want to work with you on this. 04:28.030 --> 04:30.020 align:middle line:84% I don't want you to feel backed into a corner. 04:30.020 --> 04:31.645 align:middle line:84% You know, I want to say to you in a way 04:31.645 --> 04:33.580 align:middle line:90% that it keeps the relationship. 04:33.580 --> 04:38.330 align:middle line:84% I'm letting you know that I got to tell you the truth, 04:38.330 --> 04:41.190 align:middle line:84% but I'm worried about making sure it lands softly. 04:41.190 --> 04:44.250 align:middle line:84% This is an example of someone we might 04:44.250 --> 04:46.290 align:middle line:90% refer to as a straight shooter. 04:46.290 --> 04:50.710 align:middle line:84% Everybody loves somebody that will tell them the truth, 04:50.710 --> 04:54.760 align:middle line:84% as long as that person is worried about how it lands. 04:54.760 --> 04:57.430 align:middle line:84% The playful voice, the accommodator's voice, 04:57.430 --> 05:01.390 align:middle line:84% that should be the voice you use about 80% of the time. 05:01.390 --> 05:04.210 align:middle line:84% You want to keep people in a positive frame of mind, 05:04.210 --> 05:07.150 align:middle line:84% keep people thinking, keep them collaborating with you, 05:07.150 --> 05:09.540 align:middle line:90% keep them working with you. 05:09.540 --> 05:12.280 align:middle line:84% The smiling voice is tremendously effective, 05:12.280 --> 05:14.730 align:middle line:84% and it should really be your default voice. 05:14.730 --> 05:16.530 align:middle line:90% It will serve you well. 05:16.530 --> 05:20.018 align:middle line:84% Use it the vast majority of the time. 05:20.018 --> 05:23.301 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 05:23.301 --> 05:25.180 align:middle line:90% 05:25.180 --> 05:28.080 align:middle line:84% So the analyst's voice, you know, 05:28.080 --> 05:31.940 align:middle line:84% that's the downward flexing voice. 05:31.940 --> 05:40.160 align:middle line:84% You know, it's declarative, but with a downward, slow, soothing 05:40.160 --> 05:41.420 align:middle line:90% tone. 05:41.420 --> 05:45.020 align:middle line:84% That's a great voice when you have to throw something 05:45.020 --> 05:47.030 align:middle line:90% out that's immovable. 05:47.030 --> 05:49.970 align:middle line:84% You have a term in a contract that you just 05:49.970 --> 05:52.680 align:middle line:90% are not going to move on. 05:52.680 --> 06:02.000 align:middle line:84% We're not accepting a change in this clause. 06:02.000 --> 06:06.320 align:middle line:84% That makes the other side feel it's immovable. 06:06.320 --> 06:09.140 align:middle line:84% Now, your actions should back up your words. 06:09.140 --> 06:12.280 align:middle line:84% So if you're going to use that tone of voice, 06:12.280 --> 06:14.600 align:middle line:90% it better be immovable. 06:14.600 --> 06:20.230 align:middle line:84% because your honesty, your integrity, 06:20.230 --> 06:21.700 align:middle line:90% should be your calling card. 06:21.700 --> 06:23.500 align:middle line:84% It needs to be your calling card. 06:23.500 --> 06:28.450 align:middle line:84% Use the downward inflicting analyst's voice rarely, 06:28.450 --> 06:30.663 align:middle line:84% because it's going to slow the conversation down, 06:30.663 --> 06:32.080 align:middle line:84% and the other side's going to feel 06:32.080 --> 06:36.733 align:middle line:84% left cold by it, which is not good for your relationships. 06:36.733 --> 06:38.650 align:middle line:84% So you don't want the other side feeling cold, 06:38.650 --> 06:40.733 align:middle line:84% because if that's all they have to look forward to 06:40.733 --> 06:43.390 align:middle line:84% in a relationship, and the implementation of the deal, 06:43.390 --> 06:45.640 align:middle line:84% they're not going to be enthusiastic about interacting 06:45.640 --> 06:46.140 align:middle line:90% with you. 06:46.140 --> 06:47.770 align:middle line:84% And they're certainly not going to be 06:47.770 --> 06:51.220 align:middle line:84% enthusiastic about any changes in the deal that might come up. 06:51.220 --> 06:54.470 align:middle line:84% So use it use it rarely, but use it when you need it. 06:54.470 --> 06:57.865 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 06:57.865 --> 07:01.750 align:middle line:90% 07:01.750 --> 07:04.270 align:middle line:84% The subtle difference between the analyst's voice 07:04.270 --> 07:07.330 align:middle line:84% and the late night, FM, DJ voice is the analyst's voice 07:07.330 --> 07:11.800 align:middle line:90% really lacks warmth. 07:11.800 --> 07:14.540 align:middle line:84% And you don't want your downward inflecting, late night, 07:14.540 --> 07:17.068 align:middle line:84% FM, DJ voice to lack warmth, because it 07:17.068 --> 07:18.360 align:middle line:90% doesn't play to your advantage. 07:18.360 --> 07:19.640 align:middle line:84% It doesn't help the relationship. 07:19.640 --> 07:21.307 align:middle line:84% And if it doesn't help the relationship, 07:21.307 --> 07:22.280 align:middle line:90% it doesn't help you. 07:22.280 --> 07:25.540 align:middle line:84% The FM, DJ voice should really just be used, you know, 07:25.540 --> 07:28.510 align:middle line:84% maybe 10, 15, maybe 20% of the time. 07:28.510 --> 07:30.290 align:middle line:90% No more than that. 07:30.290 --> 07:33.280 align:middle line:90% The FM, DJ voice is situational. 07:33.280 --> 07:36.510 align:middle line:84% When the other side's upset, the quickest way 07:36.510 --> 07:40.560 align:middle line:84% to calm the situation down is with a late night, 07:40.560 --> 07:43.100 align:middle line:90% FM, DJ voice. 07:43.100 --> 07:46.910 align:middle line:84% If you're in an interaction where the other side, sort of, 07:46.910 --> 07:50.900 align:middle line:84% by definition is anxious all the time, 07:50.900 --> 07:55.310 align:middle line:84% this is typical of many real estate transactions. 07:55.310 --> 07:57.350 align:middle line:84% If you're in a business where it's completely 07:57.350 --> 08:00.770 align:middle line:84% commission driven, a lot of people in commission driven 08:00.770 --> 08:05.080 align:middle line:84% businesses are anxious a lot, and a late night, FM, 08:05.080 --> 08:07.740 align:middle line:84% DJ voice is very effective with them, 08:07.740 --> 08:10.065 align:middle line:84% because the anxiety is counterproductive, 08:10.065 --> 08:12.190 align:middle line:84% and you need to tamp it down as quickly as you can. 08:12.190 --> 08:15.508 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 08:15.508 --> 08:19.300 align:middle line:90% 08:19.300 --> 08:22.500 align:middle line:84% Now, the inflection is where you start to really add 08:22.500 --> 08:23.740 align:middle line:90% the mastery onto these. 08:23.740 --> 08:26.230 align:middle line:84% And your inflection is declarative, 08:26.230 --> 08:30.620 align:middle line:84% as if you're declaring the fact, or it's inquisitive, 08:30.620 --> 08:33.607 align:middle line:90% as if you're asking a question. 08:33.607 --> 08:35.190 align:middle line:84% And I might call you and say, hi, it's 08:35.190 --> 08:37.958 align:middle line:84% Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group. 08:37.958 --> 08:38.750 align:middle line:90% That's declarative. 08:38.750 --> 08:41.270 align:middle line:90% It's stating a fact. 08:41.270 --> 08:45.170 align:middle line:84% That may or may not hit your ears well. 08:45.170 --> 08:46.940 align:middle line:84% If I call you and I say, hi, it's 08:46.940 --> 08:50.780 align:middle line:84% Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group. 08:50.780 --> 08:56.900 align:middle line:84% What you're going to feel is deference. 08:56.900 --> 08:59.420 align:middle line:90% You're going to feel caution. 08:59.420 --> 09:01.070 align:middle line:84% It's very much like when we were kids. 09:01.070 --> 09:04.010 align:middle line:84% You know, you call your buddy on a phone, 09:04.010 --> 09:06.920 align:middle line:84% and you get his mom on the phone, and you say, 09:06.920 --> 09:08.360 align:middle line:90% Hi, Mrs. Smith. 09:08.360 --> 09:09.780 align:middle line:90% It's Chris. 09:09.780 --> 09:11.000 align:middle line:90% Chris. 09:11.000 --> 09:14.060 align:middle line:90% Can Billy come out and play? 09:14.060 --> 09:15.950 align:middle line:84% You know, it's the same deferential way 09:15.950 --> 09:20.630 align:middle line:84% that we used to call up our buddy's house when we were kids 09:20.630 --> 09:22.940 align:middle line:84% and we got one of their parents on a phone. 09:22.940 --> 09:25.850 align:middle line:84% The inquisitive tone of voice really 09:25.850 --> 09:29.300 align:middle line:90% helps words land really well. 09:29.300 --> 09:31.070 align:middle line:84% You'd be shocked at what you can get away 09:31.070 --> 09:34.785 align:middle line:84% saying if you say with the inquisitive tone, the tone 09:34.785 --> 09:36.660 align:middle line:84% of voice that's genuinely curious at the end. 09:36.660 --> 09:39.964 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 09:39.964 --> 09:43.280 align:middle line:90% 09:43.280 --> 09:45.200 align:middle line:84% Ideally, your communication would be 09:45.200 --> 09:46.517 align:middle line:90% a combination of all the means. 09:46.517 --> 09:49.100 align:middle line:84% You'll text some, you'll email some, you'll talk on the phone, 09:49.100 --> 09:50.570 align:middle line:90% you'll go face-to-face. 09:50.570 --> 09:52.970 align:middle line:84% Nobody has time to do everything in person. 09:52.970 --> 09:54.870 align:middle line:84% You're trying to be more effective. 09:54.870 --> 09:57.110 align:middle line:84% So you can use all the means of communication, 09:57.110 --> 09:59.900 align:middle line:84% just don't over rely on any one of them. 09:59.900 --> 10:03.350 align:middle line:84% Don't make any of them too long, and always end positively. 10:03.350 --> 10:05.180 align:middle line:84% Where people run into trouble is they 10:05.180 --> 10:08.630 align:middle line:84% try to put too much in one communication. 10:08.630 --> 10:11.810 align:middle line:84% A great example is, would you play chess via email? 10:11.810 --> 10:15.200 align:middle line:84% Would you put your next seven chess moves in the same email? 10:15.200 --> 10:18.170 align:middle line:84% No, because the other side would see all the moves, 10:18.170 --> 10:20.330 align:middle line:90% and then decide not to go along. 10:20.330 --> 10:22.010 align:middle line:84% So if you just shorten things down 10:22.010 --> 10:24.470 align:middle line:84% in your digital communications, and make 10:24.470 --> 10:27.500 align:middle line:84% one good move in each communication, 10:27.500 --> 10:31.730 align:middle line:84% you'll be highly efficient, and you'll get answers. 10:31.730 --> 10:33.650 align:middle line:84% Your email has got to be concise, 10:33.650 --> 10:35.720 align:middle line:84% and you have to remember the tone in your email 10:35.720 --> 10:39.590 align:middle line:84% is probably going to be read negatively, so you need to put 10:39.590 --> 10:41.720 align:middle line:90% extra things in to soften it. 10:41.720 --> 10:44.780 align:middle line:84% Say things like, I'm sorry, and I'm afraid. 10:44.780 --> 10:50.470 align:middle line:84% Make sure your words land softly and end positively.