[MUSIC PLAYING]
So why is how you say something
so important to a negotiation?
Well, the reality is, your inner voice betrays your outer voice.
I might say to you, that was a good question,
and my voice says that I thought your question was stupid.
Or I could say, that was a good question.
Or even with how am I supposed to do that?
I could say, how am I supposed to do that?
You know, my tone of voice is saying, you idiot.
But I can say, how am I supposed to do that?
My tone of voice is saying, look, I'm trying.
I want to help.
I just can't do that.
I'm not fighting you.
I'll do whatever I can do.
I can't do that.
Your voice, your deliveries, speaks volumes.
It conveys deference.
Everybody loves deference.
It conveys genuine curiosity.
It conveys collaboration.
I mean, your voice alone can be such an art.
When I was teaching hostage negotiation,
I knew a hostage negotiator might not even
say the right things.
If they had a great voice, we were probably
going to be all right.
Flip side, they could have all the techniques down.
If they sounded like a robot, they were going to be horrible.
You can say the perfect words, and if you
say them like you think the other person is stupid,
or a robot, and you're tone of voice
you're going to destroy your word selection.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
If you can see me, or if you can hear me,
I can hit the mirror neurons in your brain.
To find angry, I'm going to hit your mirror neurons
you're going to get angry to.
It's an involuntary response.
If I'm talking with you, and I use the late night,
FM, DJ voice, I've hit your mirror neurons,
and I've slowed your brain down.
That was the default voice for hostage negotiators.
We were taught to use a late night, FM, DJ voice
with every bank robber, or kidnapper, or terrorist.
We knew to calm them down.
We didn't know why.
We didn't care.
We knew that was a law of gravity,
calm the other side down.
It tamped down their emotions.
So if I need you to calm down, I can't say calm down.
It's an order.
You're going to hate that.
But I hit you with a late night, FM, DJ voice,
I might even smile while I'm at it.
Smile when you talk to people.
Trigger their mirror neurons in a positive way.
Make them smarter.
Make yourself smart at the same time.
Don't allow yourself to be held hostage over whether or not
they like you, and you'll increase your ability
to make deals by hitting their mirror neurons,
calming them down, soothing them, and then making them
feel like you're worthy of collaboration
simply by smiling at them.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So, there's basically three different tones
of voice combined with two inflections.
The fight guy, the assertive that's my natural born type.
You know we think of ourselves as direct and honest.
You know, we're blunt.
Let's say, for example, that my price for a given product
was $35,000.
And I'd say, the price for our product is $35,000.
That's the assertive's tone of voice.
I mean, I'm just saying it to you.
I'm being direct and honest.
You are feeling like you're getting punched in the nose.
The assertive's tone of voice is always counterproductive.
In the real world, I have seen that anger always
leaves a negative residue.
Always.
And anger is always bad for long term relationships.
And that's the reason that we tell people
who are natural born assertives, you got to fix that voice,
because it's always counterproductive.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
So the accommodator's voice, it's a playful voice.
Same thing, I'll give you my price.
I'll say, my price is $35,000.
You know, I'm saying it like, I know this is crazy,
saying, it feels like a lot.
But I want to work with you on this.
I don't want you to feel backed into a corner.
You know, I want to say to you in a way
that it keeps the relationship.
I'm letting you know that I got to tell you the truth,
but I'm worried about making sure it lands softly.
This is an example of someone we might
refer to as a straight shooter.
Everybody loves somebody that will tell them the truth,
as long as that person is worried about how it lands.
The playful voice, the accommodator's voice,
that should be the voice you use about 80% of the time.
You want to keep people in a positive frame of mind,
keep people thinking, keep them collaborating with you,
keep them working with you.
The smiling voice is tremendously effective,
and it should really be your default voice.
It will serve you well.
Use it the vast majority of the time.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So the analyst's voice, you know,
that's the downward flexing voice.
You know, it's declarative, but with a downward, slow, soothing
tone.
That's a great voice when you have to throw something
out that's immovable.
You have a term in a contract that you just
are not going to move on.
We're not accepting a change in this clause.
That makes the other side feel it's immovable.
Now, your actions should back up your words.
So if you're going to use that tone of voice,
it better be immovable.
because your honesty, your integrity,
should be your calling card.
It needs to be your calling card.
Use the downward inflicting analyst's voice rarely,
because it's going to slow the conversation down,
and the other side's going to feel
left cold by it, which is not good for your relationships.
So you don't want the other side feeling cold,
because if that's all they have to look forward to
in a relationship, and the implementation of the deal,
they're not going to be enthusiastic about interacting
with you.
And they're certainly not going to be
enthusiastic about any changes in the deal that might come up.
So use it use it rarely, but use it when you need it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
The subtle difference between the analyst's voice
and the late night, FM, DJ voice is the analyst's voice
really lacks warmth.
And you don't want your downward inflecting, late night,
FM, DJ voice to lack warmth, because it
doesn't play to your advantage.
It doesn't help the relationship.
And if it doesn't help the relationship,
it doesn't help you.
The FM, DJ voice should really just be used, you know,
maybe 10, 15, maybe 20% of the time.
No more than that.
The FM, DJ voice is situational.
When the other side's upset, the quickest way
to calm the situation down is with a late night,
FM, DJ voice.
If you're in an interaction where the other side, sort of,
by definition is anxious all the time,
this is typical of many real estate transactions.
If you're in a business where it's completely
commission driven, a lot of people in commission driven
businesses are anxious a lot, and a late night, FM,
DJ voice is very effective with them,
because the anxiety is counterproductive,
and you need to tamp it down as quickly as you can.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, the inflection is where you start to really add
the mastery onto these.
And your inflection is declarative,
as if you're declaring the fact, or it's inquisitive,
as if you're asking a question.
And I might call you and say, hi, it's
Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group.
That's declarative.
It's stating a fact.
That may or may not hit your ears well.
If I call you and I say, hi, it's
Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group.
What you're going to feel is deference.
You're going to feel caution.
It's very much like when we were kids.
You know, you call your buddy on a phone,
and you get his mom on the phone, and you say,
Hi, Mrs. Smith.
It's Chris.
Chris.
Can Billy come out and play?
You know, it's the same deferential way
that we used to call up our buddy's house when we were kids
and we got one of their parents on a phone.
The inquisitive tone of voice really
helps words land really well.
You'd be shocked at what you can get away
saying if you say with the inquisitive tone, the tone
of voice that's genuinely curious at the end.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ideally, your communication would be
a combination of all the means.
You'll text some, you'll email some, you'll talk on the phone,
you'll go face-to-face.
Nobody has time to do everything in person.
You're trying to be more effective.
So you can use all the means of communication,
just don't over rely on any one of them.
Don't make any of them too long, and always end positively.
Where people run into trouble is they
try to put too much in one communication.
A great example is, would you play chess via email?
Would you put your next seven chess moves in the same email?
No, because the other side would see all the moves,
and then decide not to go along.
So if you just shorten things down
in your digital communications, and make
one good move in each communication,
you'll be highly efficient, and you'll get answers.
Your email has got to be concise,
and you have to remember the tone in your email
is probably going to be read negatively, so you need to put
extra things in to soften it.
Say things like, I'm sorry, and I'm afraid.
Make sure your words land softly and end positively.