1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,960 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:10,560 So why is how you say something 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,080 so important to a negotiation? 4 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,750 Well, the reality is, your inner voice betrays your outer voice. 5 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:20,640 I might say to you, that was a good question, 6 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,660 and my voice says that I thought your question was stupid. 7 00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:29,860 Or I could say, that was a good question. 8 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,440 Or even with how am I supposed to do that? 9 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:35,239 I could say, how am I supposed to do that? 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:39,700 You know, my tone of voice is saying, you idiot. 11 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:44,160 But I can say, how am I supposed to do that? 12 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,290 My tone of voice is saying, look, I'm trying. 13 00:00:46,290 --> 00:00:47,040 I want to help. 14 00:00:47,035 --> 00:00:47,915 I just can't do that. 15 00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:49,020 I'm not fighting you. 16 00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:51,140 I'll do whatever I can do. 17 00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:52,550 I can't do that. 18 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:56,420 Your voice, your deliveries, speaks volumes. 19 00:00:56,420 --> 00:00:57,500 It conveys deference. 20 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,630 Everybody loves deference. 21 00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:01,460 It conveys genuine curiosity. 22 00:01:01,460 --> 00:01:03,630 It conveys collaboration. 23 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:07,770 I mean, your voice alone can be such an art. 24 00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:09,630 When I was teaching hostage negotiation, 25 00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:12,240 I knew a hostage negotiator might not even 26 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,500 say the right things. 27 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:16,140 If they had a great voice, we were probably 28 00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:18,150 going to be all right. 29 00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:21,140 Flip side, they could have all the techniques down. 30 00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:25,940 If they sounded like a robot, they were going to be horrible. 31 00:01:25,940 --> 00:01:29,070 You can say the perfect words, and if you 32 00:01:29,065 --> 00:01:31,195 say them like you think the other person is stupid, 33 00:01:31,190 --> 00:01:33,930 or a robot, and you're tone of voice 34 00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:36,260 you're going to destroy your word selection. 35 00:01:36,255 --> 00:01:38,885 [MUSIC PLAYING] 36 00:01:43,130 --> 00:01:45,790 If you can see me, or if you can hear me, 37 00:01:45,790 --> 00:01:47,710 I can hit the mirror neurons in your brain. 38 00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:49,930 To find angry, I'm going to hit your mirror neurons 39 00:01:49,930 --> 00:01:52,430 you're going to get angry to. 40 00:01:52,430 --> 00:01:54,590 It's an involuntary response. 41 00:01:54,590 --> 00:01:58,000 If I'm talking with you, and I use the late night, 42 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:03,200 FM, DJ voice, I've hit your mirror neurons, 43 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,040 and I've slowed your brain down. 44 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,110 That was the default voice for hostage negotiators. 45 00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:12,300 We were taught to use a late night, FM, DJ voice 46 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,810 with every bank robber, or kidnapper, or terrorist. 47 00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:17,040 We knew to calm them down. 48 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:17,670 We didn't know why. 49 00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:18,240 We didn't care. 50 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,660 We knew that was a law of gravity, 51 00:02:19,657 --> 00:02:21,387 calm the other side down. 52 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,340 It tamped down their emotions. 53 00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:27,020 So if I need you to calm down, I can't say calm down. 54 00:02:27,017 --> 00:02:27,597 It's an order. 55 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:28,680 You're going to hate that. 56 00:02:28,683 --> 00:02:31,013 But I hit you with a late night, FM, DJ voice, 57 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:34,560 I might even smile while I'm at it. 58 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,230 Smile when you talk to people. 59 00:02:37,230 --> 00:02:39,300 Trigger their mirror neurons in a positive way. 60 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:40,050 Make them smarter. 61 00:02:40,050 --> 00:02:42,600 Make yourself smart at the same time. 62 00:02:42,602 --> 00:02:45,062 Don't allow yourself to be held hostage over whether or not 63 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:48,670 they like you, and you'll increase your ability 64 00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:52,030 to make deals by hitting their mirror neurons, 65 00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:55,540 calming them down, soothing them, and then making them 66 00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,940 feel like you're worthy of collaboration 67 00:02:57,940 --> 00:02:59,140 simply by smiling at them. 68 00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:02,110 [MUSIC PLAYING] 69 00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:08,170 So, there's basically three different tones 70 00:03:08,170 --> 00:03:11,960 of voice combined with two inflections. 71 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,440 The fight guy, the assertive that's my natural born type. 72 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,370 You know we think of ourselves as direct and honest. 73 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:20,080 You know, we're blunt. 74 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,290 Let's say, for example, that my price for a given product 75 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,830 was $35,000. 76 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:30,220 And I'd say, the price for our product is $35,000. 77 00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:32,220 That's the assertive's tone of voice. 78 00:03:32,223 --> 00:03:33,643 I mean, I'm just saying it to you. 79 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,700 I'm being direct and honest. 80 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:39,790 You are feeling like you're getting punched in the nose. 81 00:03:39,790 --> 00:03:44,140 The assertive's tone of voice is always counterproductive. 82 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:48,250 In the real world, I have seen that anger always 83 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:50,840 leaves a negative residue. 84 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:51,940 Always. 85 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:55,390 And anger is always bad for long term relationships. 86 00:03:55,390 --> 00:03:57,430 And that's the reason that we tell people 87 00:03:57,430 --> 00:04:01,630 who are natural born assertives, you got to fix that voice, 88 00:04:01,627 --> 00:04:03,207 because it's always counterproductive. 89 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,400 [MUSIC PLAYING] 90 00:04:10,204 --> 00:04:10,864 All right. 91 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:13,500 So the accommodator's voice, it's a playful voice. 92 00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:15,700 Same thing, I'll give you my price. 93 00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:19,720 I'll say, my price is $35,000. 94 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,080 You know, I'm saying it like, I know this is crazy, 95 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,530 saying, it feels like a lot. 96 00:04:26,530 --> 00:04:28,030 But I want to work with you on this. 97 00:04:28,030 --> 00:04:30,020 I don't want you to feel backed into a corner. 98 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,650 You know, I want to say to you in a way 99 00:04:31,645 --> 00:04:33,585 that it keeps the relationship. 100 00:04:33,580 --> 00:04:38,330 I'm letting you know that I got to tell you the truth, 101 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:41,190 but I'm worried about making sure it lands softly. 102 00:04:41,190 --> 00:04:44,250 This is an example of someone we might 103 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,290 refer to as a straight shooter. 104 00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,710 Everybody loves somebody that will tell them the truth, 105 00:04:50,710 --> 00:04:54,760 as long as that person is worried about how it lands. 106 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,430 The playful voice, the accommodator's voice, 107 00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,390 that should be the voice you use about 80% of the time. 108 00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:04,210 You want to keep people in a positive frame of mind, 109 00:05:04,210 --> 00:05:07,150 keep people thinking, keep them collaborating with you, 110 00:05:07,150 --> 00:05:09,540 keep them working with you. 111 00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:12,280 The smiling voice is tremendously effective, 112 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,730 and it should really be your default voice. 113 00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,530 It will serve you well. 114 00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:20,020 Use it the vast majority of the time. 115 00:05:20,018 --> 00:05:23,298 [MUSIC PLAYING] 116 00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:28,080 So the analyst's voice, you know, 117 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,940 that's the downward flexing voice. 118 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:40,160 You know, it's declarative, but with a downward, slow, soothing 119 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,420 tone. 120 00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:45,020 That's a great voice when you have to throw something 121 00:05:45,020 --> 00:05:47,030 out that's immovable. 122 00:05:47,030 --> 00:05:49,970 You have a term in a contract that you just 123 00:05:49,970 --> 00:05:52,680 are not going to move on. 124 00:05:52,680 --> 00:06:02,000 We're not accepting a change in this clause. 125 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,320 That makes the other side feel it's immovable. 126 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,140 Now, your actions should back up your words. 127 00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:12,280 So if you're going to use that tone of voice, 128 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,600 it better be immovable. 129 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:20,230 because your honesty, your integrity, 130 00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:21,700 should be your calling card. 131 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,500 It needs to be your calling card. 132 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:28,450 Use the downward inflicting analyst's voice rarely, 133 00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:30,660 because it's going to slow the conversation down, 134 00:06:30,663 --> 00:06:32,083 and the other side's going to feel 135 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:36,730 left cold by it, which is not good for your relationships. 136 00:06:36,733 --> 00:06:38,653 So you don't want the other side feeling cold, 137 00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,730 because if that's all they have to look forward to 138 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,393 in a relationship, and the implementation of the deal, 139 00:06:43,390 --> 00:06:45,640 they're not going to be enthusiastic about interacting 140 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:46,140 with you. 141 00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,770 And they're certainly not going to be 142 00:06:47,770 --> 00:06:51,220 enthusiastic about any changes in the deal that might come up. 143 00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:54,470 So use it use it rarely, but use it when you need it. 144 00:06:54,470 --> 00:06:57,870 [MUSIC PLAYING] 145 00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:04,270 The subtle difference between the analyst's voice 146 00:07:04,270 --> 00:07:07,330 and the late night, FM, DJ voice is the analyst's voice 147 00:07:07,330 --> 00:07:11,800 really lacks warmth. 148 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,540 And you don't want your downward inflecting, late night, 149 00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:17,070 FM, DJ voice to lack warmth, because it 150 00:07:17,068 --> 00:07:18,358 doesn't play to your advantage. 151 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:19,640 It doesn't help the relationship. 152 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,310 And if it doesn't help the relationship, 153 00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:22,277 it doesn't help you. 154 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,540 The FM, DJ voice should really just be used, you know, 155 00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:28,510 maybe 10, 15, maybe 20% of the time. 156 00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,290 No more than that. 157 00:07:30,290 --> 00:07:33,280 The FM, DJ voice is situational. 158 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,510 When the other side's upset, the quickest way 159 00:07:36,510 --> 00:07:40,560 to calm the situation down is with a late night, 160 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,100 FM, DJ voice. 161 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:46,910 If you're in an interaction where the other side, sort of, 162 00:07:46,910 --> 00:07:50,900 by definition is anxious all the time, 163 00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:55,310 this is typical of many real estate transactions. 164 00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,350 If you're in a business where it's completely 165 00:07:57,350 --> 00:08:00,770 commission driven, a lot of people in commission driven 166 00:08:00,770 --> 00:08:05,080 businesses are anxious a lot, and a late night, FM, 167 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,740 DJ voice is very effective with them, 168 00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:10,070 because the anxiety is counterproductive, 169 00:08:10,065 --> 00:08:12,195 and you need to tamp it down as quickly as you can. 170 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:15,510 [MUSIC PLAYING] 171 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:22,500 Now, the inflection is where you start to really add 172 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:23,740 the mastery onto these. 173 00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:26,230 And your inflection is declarative, 174 00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:30,620 as if you're declaring the fact, or it's inquisitive, 175 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:33,610 as if you're asking a question. 176 00:08:33,607 --> 00:08:35,187 And I might call you and say, hi, it's 177 00:08:35,190 --> 00:08:37,960 Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group. 178 00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:38,748 That's declarative. 179 00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:41,270 It's stating a fact. 180 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:45,170 That may or may not hit your ears well. 181 00:08:45,170 --> 00:08:46,940 If I call you and I say, hi, it's 182 00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:50,780 Chris Voss from the Black Swan Group. 183 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:56,900 What you're going to feel is deference. 184 00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,420 You're going to feel caution. 185 00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:01,070 It's very much like when we were kids. 186 00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:04,010 You know, you call your buddy on a phone, 187 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,920 and you get his mom on the phone, and you say, 188 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,360 Hi, Mrs. Smith. 189 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,780 It's Chris. 190 00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:11,000 Chris. 191 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,060 Can Billy come out and play? 192 00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:15,950 You know, it's the same deferential way 193 00:09:15,950 --> 00:09:20,630 that we used to call up our buddy's house when we were kids 194 00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:22,940 and we got one of their parents on a phone. 195 00:09:22,940 --> 00:09:25,850 The inquisitive tone of voice really 196 00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:29,300 helps words land really well. 197 00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,070 You'd be shocked at what you can get away 198 00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:34,790 saying if you say with the inquisitive tone, the tone 199 00:09:34,785 --> 00:09:36,665 of voice that's genuinely curious at the end. 200 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,960 [MUSIC PLAYING] 201 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,200 Ideally, your communication would be 202 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,520 a combination of all the means. 203 00:09:46,517 --> 00:09:49,097 You'll text some, you'll email some, you'll talk on the phone, 204 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:50,570 you'll go face-to-face. 205 00:09:50,570 --> 00:09:52,970 Nobody has time to do everything in person. 206 00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:54,870 You're trying to be more effective. 207 00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:57,110 So you can use all the means of communication, 208 00:09:57,110 --> 00:09:59,900 just don't over rely on any one of them. 209 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,350 Don't make any of them too long, and always end positively. 210 00:10:03,350 --> 00:10:05,180 Where people run into trouble is they 211 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:08,630 try to put too much in one communication. 212 00:10:08,630 --> 00:10:11,810 A great example is, would you play chess via email? 213 00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:15,200 Would you put your next seven chess moves in the same email? 214 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,170 No, because the other side would see all the moves, 215 00:10:18,170 --> 00:10:20,330 and then decide not to go along. 216 00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:22,010 So if you just shorten things down 217 00:10:22,010 --> 00:10:24,470 in your digital communications, and make 218 00:10:24,470 --> 00:10:27,500 one good move in each communication, 219 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:31,730 you'll be highly efficient, and you'll get answers. 220 00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,650 Your email has got to be concise, 221 00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:35,720 and you have to remember the tone in your email 222 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,590 is probably going to be read negatively, so you need to put 223 00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:41,720 extra things in to soften it. 224 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,780 Say things like, I'm sorry, and I'm afraid. 225 00:10:44,780 --> 00:10:50,470 Make sure your words land softly and end positively.