WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:08.430 align:middle line:90% 00:08.430 --> 00:10.660 align:middle line:84% Who do you think has more control in a negotiation, 00:10.660 --> 00:14.500 align:middle line:84% the person doing the talking or the person doing the listening? 00:14.500 --> 00:18.560 align:middle line:84% And how important is control, anyway, versus the upper hand 00:18.560 --> 00:21.210 align:middle line:84% and creating the outcome that's best for you? 00:21.210 --> 00:23.850 align:middle line:84% In this chapter, we'll talk about the secret 00:23.850 --> 00:26.220 align:middle line:84% to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation 00:26.220 --> 00:28.950 align:middle line:84% is to give the other side the illusion of control. 00:28.950 --> 00:31.320 align:middle line:84% How do you do that, and how is it 00:31.320 --> 00:34.140 align:middle line:84% best for you in creating the best possible outcome? 00:34.140 --> 00:40.866 align:middle line:90% 00:40.866 --> 00:43.890 align:middle line:84% Calibrated question is what we used 00:43.890 --> 00:46.900 align:middle line:84% to refer to as an open ended question, 00:46.900 --> 00:48.530 align:middle line:90% and it's calibrated for a fact. 00:48.530 --> 00:52.400 align:middle line:84% And we calibrate it to make the other side feel in charge. 00:52.400 --> 00:55.040 align:middle line:84% The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation 00:55.040 --> 00:57.990 align:middle line:84% is giving the other side the illusion of control. 00:57.990 --> 01:00.560 align:middle line:84% And we're going to calibrate our questions mostly 01:00.560 --> 01:04.129 align:middle line:84% with the words what and how because people 01:04.129 --> 01:07.160 align:middle line:90% love to be asked what to do. 01:07.160 --> 01:10.340 align:middle line:84% People love to be asked how to do something. 01:10.340 --> 01:15.050 align:middle line:84% Why, as a question, triggers defensiveness universally. 01:15.050 --> 01:17.990 align:middle line:90% Why makes you feel accused. 01:17.990 --> 01:20.860 align:middle line:84% There's been some speculation that the reason why 01:20.860 --> 01:22.960 align:middle line:84% triggers a universal defensive reaction 01:22.960 --> 01:25.420 align:middle line:84% is that every human being when they were two years old-- 01:25.420 --> 01:28.860 align:middle line:84% no matter how many people were around them, 01:28.860 --> 01:30.900 align:middle line:84% no matter where they grew up on the planet, 01:30.900 --> 01:32.760 align:middle line:84% no matter what culture they were in, when they were two, 01:32.760 --> 01:34.970 align:middle line:84% they knocked something off a table, and they broke it. 01:34.970 --> 01:36.512 align:middle line:84% And the nearest adult pointed at them 01:36.512 --> 01:38.550 align:middle line:90% and said, why did you do that? 01:38.550 --> 01:40.500 align:middle line:84% And we had it drilled into our minds 01:40.500 --> 01:43.620 align:middle line:84% from about age two on that, when somebody 01:43.620 --> 01:46.560 align:middle line:84% said why to us, they were accusing us 01:46.560 --> 01:49.160 align:middle line:90% of doing something wrong. 01:49.160 --> 01:51.890 align:middle line:84% This is an interesting aspect, because in business today, 01:51.890 --> 01:54.650 align:middle line:84% we're constantly told to find out their why. 01:54.650 --> 01:56.390 align:middle line:90% Get their why. 01:56.390 --> 01:59.240 align:middle line:84% And so when we ask them why do they want something, 01:59.240 --> 02:00.830 align:middle line:84% it interferes with our relationship. 02:00.830 --> 02:03.955 align:middle line:84% It interferes with rapport, creates defensiveness. 02:03.955 --> 02:06.080 align:middle line:84% So how do we drive at some of the same information? 02:06.080 --> 02:08.360 align:middle line:90% We change our whys to whats. 02:08.360 --> 02:11.600 align:middle line:84% Instead of why do you need delivery 02:11.600 --> 02:14.113 align:middle line:90% in three weeks on the product-- 02:14.113 --> 02:15.780 align:middle line:84% they're going to be worried about what's 02:15.780 --> 02:18.600 align:middle line:84% wrong with the fact that I need delivery. 02:18.600 --> 02:20.520 align:middle line:84% Change your why to a what, and you say, 02:20.520 --> 02:23.400 align:middle line:84% what makes it necessary to get it delivered in three weeks? 02:23.400 --> 02:25.770 align:middle line:84% It takes the sting of accusation off of it. 02:25.770 --> 02:28.310 align:middle line:84% It takes the defensiveness out of it, 02:28.310 --> 02:31.460 align:middle line:84% and it gets us back to a nice calibrated what question. 02:31.460 --> 02:34.430 align:middle line:84% People like to be asked what so they can answer what. 02:34.430 --> 02:35.360 align:middle line:90% They feel in charge. 02:35.360 --> 02:36.860 align:middle line:90% They feel in control. 02:36.860 --> 02:38.715 align:middle line:84% We've got to say it with deference, 02:38.715 --> 02:40.340 align:middle line:84% but, again, we're giving the other side 02:40.340 --> 02:43.250 align:middle line:84% the illusion of control, and it's principally through the 02:43.250 --> 02:44.540 align:middle line:90% how and what questions. 02:44.540 --> 02:51.070 align:middle line:90% 02:51.070 --> 02:54.700 align:middle line:84% Forced empathy is when you force the other side 02:54.700 --> 02:58.620 align:middle line:84% to have empathy with you, and the idea behind empathy-- we're 02:58.620 --> 03:00.120 align:middle line:90% trying to trigger reciprocity. 03:00.120 --> 03:01.710 align:middle line:84% We're looking to demonstrate empathy 03:01.710 --> 03:06.960 align:middle line:84% because it's good for us, but we want empathy in return. 03:06.960 --> 03:11.670 align:middle line:84% And reciprocity may not always kick in. 03:11.670 --> 03:15.270 align:middle line:84% So we may have to say something at some point in time that 03:15.270 --> 03:20.930 align:middle line:84% forces the other side to take a hard look at our situation 03:20.930 --> 03:22.140 align:middle line:90% before they move forward. 03:22.140 --> 03:27.380 align:middle line:84% And our classic phrase to force empathy into a situation 03:27.380 --> 03:32.290 align:middle line:84% is simply to say to somebody, how am I supposed to do that? 03:32.290 --> 03:33.710 align:middle line:84% We're coaching a woman once who'd 03:33.710 --> 03:36.100 align:middle line:84% done a tremendous amount of business for a company. 03:36.100 --> 03:38.330 align:middle line:84% They kept promising her follow-on business 03:38.330 --> 03:42.260 align:middle line:84% as a result of it, and she was very afraid of being 03:42.260 --> 03:44.090 align:middle line:90% denied the follow-on business. 03:44.090 --> 03:47.820 align:middle line:84% So they owed her a lot of money, and they weren't paying, 03:47.820 --> 03:50.060 align:middle line:90% and they kept sending her work. 03:50.060 --> 03:54.250 align:middle line:84% I told her to say, how am I supposed to do that? 03:54.250 --> 03:56.250 align:middle line:84% Next time they send you an order for more work. 03:56.250 --> 03:58.000 align:middle line:84% And she said, oh my god, I can't say that. 03:58.000 --> 03:59.350 align:middle line:90% I can't say that. 03:59.350 --> 04:01.380 align:middle line:84% They'll tell me I have to do it, and then 04:01.380 --> 04:03.930 align:middle line:90% I'll really be in trouble. 04:03.930 --> 04:06.010 align:middle line:84% And I said, don't worry about that. 04:06.010 --> 04:10.340 align:middle line:84% The point is it's going to have an impact on them. 04:10.340 --> 04:14.910 align:middle line:84% I actually needed to do an intervention with her 04:14.910 --> 04:16.649 align:middle line:84% to sort of talk her down off the ledge 04:16.649 --> 04:19.399 align:middle line:90% over even asking the question. 04:19.399 --> 04:22.100 align:middle line:84% So when they finally called her and asked her for more work, 04:22.100 --> 04:24.248 align:middle line:84% she said, how am I supposed to do that? 04:24.248 --> 04:26.040 align:middle line:84% And a person on the other side of the table 04:26.040 --> 04:27.570 align:middle line:90% said, you're right. 04:27.570 --> 04:28.770 align:middle line:90% You can't. 04:28.770 --> 04:31.710 align:middle line:84% I know we haven't been paying you. 04:31.710 --> 04:35.580 align:middle line:84% We've actually had some real internal problems, 04:35.580 --> 04:37.980 align:middle line:84% and the person that's responsible for paying you 04:37.980 --> 04:38.790 align:middle line:90% has changed. 04:38.790 --> 04:41.670 align:middle line:84% I will get in touch with that person. 04:41.670 --> 04:43.350 align:middle line:84% They'll reach out to you, and we'll 04:43.350 --> 04:49.430 align:middle line:84% settle up the bill before we move forward on anything else. 04:49.430 --> 04:51.180 align:middle line:84% Now, part of the problem on the other side 04:51.180 --> 04:54.060 align:middle line:84% was they were embarrassed that they were unorganized, 04:54.060 --> 04:55.950 align:middle line:84% and they changed around, and they 04:55.950 --> 04:57.555 align:middle line:90% were a mess on the other side. 04:57.555 --> 05:00.180 align:middle line:84% And they were dealing with their own problems at the same time, 05:00.180 --> 05:03.570 align:middle line:84% so they were kind of ignoring how much difficulty that they 05:03.570 --> 05:05.730 align:middle line:90% were putting this woman in. 05:05.730 --> 05:09.330 align:middle line:84% Well, forced empathy-- you make the other side 05:09.330 --> 05:12.750 align:middle line:84% take into account what you're really going through, 05:12.750 --> 05:14.380 align:middle line:84% and you also make them think about, how 05:14.380 --> 05:16.165 align:middle line:90% is this going to move forward? 05:16.165 --> 05:17.790 align:middle line:84% And it's not going to move forward well 05:17.790 --> 05:19.290 align:middle line:84% if you keep cheating the other side. 05:19.290 --> 05:26.090 align:middle line:90% 05:26.090 --> 05:28.290 align:middle line:84% The question, how am I supposed to do that, 05:28.290 --> 05:31.320 align:middle line:84% is designed to shape the other side's thinking, 05:31.320 --> 05:35.890 align:middle line:84% shape it around empathy, shape it around thinking about us, 05:35.890 --> 05:37.980 align:middle line:90% trigger slow in-depth thinking. 05:37.980 --> 05:39.990 align:middle line:84% And in many cases, you probably want 05:39.990 --> 05:44.400 align:middle line:84% to combine your how and what questions to basically ask up 05:44.400 --> 05:46.940 align:middle line:90% to three questions. 05:46.940 --> 05:49.180 align:middle line:90% They're just worded differently. 05:49.180 --> 05:53.220 align:middle line:84% And it might be, how am I supposed to do that? 05:53.220 --> 05:56.080 align:middle line:84% What's going to happen if I do that? 05:56.080 --> 05:58.900 align:middle line:84% How do I overcome the challenges that I have here? 05:58.900 --> 06:02.320 align:middle line:84% Those are all basically asking exactly the same question 06:02.320 --> 06:04.240 align:middle line:90% in a different fashion. 06:04.240 --> 06:07.660 align:middle line:84% If you ask that question three different ways, then a person 06:07.660 --> 06:10.450 align:middle line:84% you're talking to will think about it from three 06:10.450 --> 06:12.808 align:middle line:84% different angles, and they'll give it more thought, 06:12.808 --> 06:14.350 align:middle line:84% and they'll give you a better answer. 06:14.350 --> 06:15.880 align:middle line:84% And they will appreciate the fact 06:15.880 --> 06:17.463 align:middle line:84% that you helped them think it through. 06:17.463 --> 06:23.950 align:middle line:90% 06:23.950 --> 06:26.740 align:middle line:84% Reciprocity is a natural human dynamic 06:26.740 --> 06:29.590 align:middle line:84% that exists in us because we're humans, 06:29.590 --> 06:32.180 align:middle line:84% and some people are very guarded about it. 06:32.180 --> 06:34.240 align:middle line:84% So we have to be careful about how we trigger it. 06:34.240 --> 06:37.210 align:middle line:90% If we ask, we tend to owe. 06:37.210 --> 06:39.460 align:middle line:84% People are often worried about asking us 06:39.460 --> 06:41.560 align:middle line:90% because they don't want to owe. 06:41.560 --> 06:44.800 align:middle line:84% So it's a common dynamic that people are more or less 06:44.800 --> 06:46.510 align:middle line:90% sensitive to at all times. 06:46.510 --> 06:50.230 align:middle line:84% You don't want to trigger reciprocity inadvertently. 06:50.230 --> 06:52.730 align:middle line:84% If I say to you, what's your name? 06:52.730 --> 06:54.310 align:middle line:90% That's an ask. 06:54.310 --> 06:55.990 align:middle line:90% I've begun to trigger. 06:55.990 --> 06:58.308 align:middle line:84% If I ask, I should be willing to give an exchange, 06:58.308 --> 07:00.100 align:middle line:84% and if I'm not willing to give an exchange, 07:00.100 --> 07:03.980 align:middle line:84% or if I'm not ready to give an exchange at this point in time, 07:03.980 --> 07:06.160 align:middle line:84% I don't want to trigger the reciprocity dynamic. 07:06.160 --> 07:08.307 align:middle line:84% Proof of life was one of those issues. 07:08.307 --> 07:10.390 align:middle line:84% How do we know that there's a deal to be had here? 07:10.390 --> 07:12.385 align:middle line:84% How do I know you have the hostage? 07:12.385 --> 07:14.260 align:middle line:84% We struggled with that for a really long time 07:14.260 --> 07:16.760 align:middle line:84% when I worked kidnappings where we didn't ask proof of life, 07:16.760 --> 07:18.850 align:middle line:84% because we knew the hostage was alive, 07:18.850 --> 07:22.290 align:middle line:84% and we didn't want to trigger reciprocity. 07:22.290 --> 07:23.880 align:middle line:84% And there was an instance where I was 07:23.880 --> 07:25.890 align:middle line:90% in the middle of a kidnapping. 07:25.890 --> 07:27.600 align:middle line:90% It ended badly. 07:27.600 --> 07:29.490 align:middle line:84% Hostages were killed by friendly fire 07:29.490 --> 07:33.390 align:middle line:84% after the fact in a botched rescue attempt. 07:33.390 --> 07:38.500 align:middle line:84% I was bothered for a long time by what had happened 07:38.500 --> 07:40.323 align:middle line:90% that I didn't understand. 07:40.323 --> 07:41.740 align:middle line:84% A couple of months afterwards, I'm 07:41.740 --> 07:44.770 align:middle line:84% listening to a kidnapping of a drug dealer's 07:44.770 --> 07:46.720 align:middle line:90% girlfriend in Pittsburgh. 07:46.720 --> 07:48.930 align:middle line:84% And who do you go to when somebody in your family 07:48.930 --> 07:50.980 align:middle line:84% has been kidnapped, even if you're a drug dealer? 07:50.980 --> 07:53.140 align:middle line:90% You go to the FBI. 07:53.140 --> 07:55.590 align:middle line:90% Drug deal went to the local FBI. 07:55.590 --> 07:58.030 align:middle line:84% I'm listening to the tapes of the drug dealer 07:58.030 --> 08:02.320 align:middle line:84% riding around in his car with the FBI hostage negotiator, 08:02.320 --> 08:05.090 align:middle line:84% and he's just negotiating on his own. 08:05.090 --> 08:07.870 align:middle line:84% And so he didn't know that his girlfriend was alive, 08:07.870 --> 08:12.700 align:middle line:84% and spontaneously, in the middle of the negotiation, on his own, 08:12.700 --> 08:16.390 align:middle line:84% he said to the other drug dealer, hey dog, 08:16.390 --> 08:18.960 align:middle line:90% how do I know she's all right? 08:18.960 --> 08:22.180 align:middle line:84% And it was this long silence on the other end of the line, 08:22.180 --> 08:25.480 align:middle line:84% and then the kidnapper said, I'll put her on the phone. 08:25.480 --> 08:29.590 align:middle line:84% He said that was a tone of voice that indicated the power 08:29.590 --> 08:32.110 align:middle line:90% dynamic had completely shifted. 08:32.110 --> 08:36.370 align:middle line:84% He went from feeling like he was in charge 08:36.370 --> 08:38.260 align:middle line:90% to spontaneously collaborating. 08:38.260 --> 08:42.490 align:middle line:84% His tone of voice changed, and I knew that now the victim-- 08:42.490 --> 08:45.940 align:middle line:84% boyfriend had the upper hand just from a simple 08:45.940 --> 08:48.130 align:middle line:90% how question. 08:48.130 --> 08:53.020 align:middle line:84% And he got the kidnapper to volunteer to put 08:53.020 --> 08:55.537 align:middle line:90% the hostage on the phone. 08:55.537 --> 08:56.370 align:middle line:90% That's got to be it. 08:56.370 --> 08:59.460 align:middle line:84% That was just a legitimate how question. 08:59.460 --> 09:01.770 align:middle line:84% Left the other side feeling completely in charge, 09:01.770 --> 09:06.690 align:middle line:84% but changed the power dynamic completely in the given moment. 09:06.690 --> 09:10.320 align:middle line:84% And the person who lost the upper hand in the negotiation 09:10.320 --> 09:13.110 align:middle line:84% had no idea they'd lost the upper hand. 09:13.110 --> 09:16.380 align:middle line:84% You put the creator of the problem-- 09:16.380 --> 09:20.240 align:middle line:84% you put the burden of solving that problem on them. 09:20.240 --> 09:22.590 align:middle line:84% And since they don't feel burdened by it, 09:22.590 --> 09:23.590 align:middle line:90% they feel in control. 09:23.590 --> 09:24.450 align:middle line:90% It was their idea. 09:24.450 --> 09:27.510 align:middle line:84% They're going to spontaneously do what you want, 09:27.510 --> 09:29.399 align:middle line:84% and you never actually asked for it. 09:29.399 --> 09:35.270 align:middle line:90% 09:35.270 --> 09:37.200 align:middle line:84% You're not looking for proof of life, 09:37.200 --> 09:41.797 align:middle line:84% but you're really looking for proof of legitimacy, proof 09:41.797 --> 09:43.380 align:middle line:84% that you're in a good faith as opposed 09:43.380 --> 09:46.230 align:middle line:90% to a bad faith negotiation. 09:46.230 --> 09:50.920 align:middle line:84% And what are the natural questions? 09:50.920 --> 09:54.740 align:middle line:84% How are we going to move forward if we make this deal? 09:54.740 --> 09:57.330 align:middle line:84% How do I know that you're not just 09:57.330 --> 10:01.720 align:middle line:90% looking for free consulting? 10:01.720 --> 10:06.250 align:middle line:84% How have you worked with people like me in the past? 10:06.250 --> 10:09.020 align:middle line:84% How have you made this deal in the past? 10:09.020 --> 10:11.660 align:middle line:84% There are a lot of legitimate questions 10:11.660 --> 10:15.380 align:middle line:84% that, if you were sitting around with your colleagues 10:15.380 --> 10:19.510 align:middle line:84% in a bar at night discussing the deal of the day, 10:19.510 --> 10:21.320 align:middle line:84% one of your colleagues might say, look, 10:21.320 --> 10:24.318 align:middle line:84% how do you know these guys aren't playing you for a fool? 10:24.318 --> 10:26.360 align:middle line:84% How do you know this is a legitimate negotiation? 10:26.360 --> 10:28.595 align:middle line:84% How do you know they have the budget? 10:28.595 --> 10:30.470 align:middle line:84% You can ask them at the table because they're 10:30.470 --> 10:31.490 align:middle line:90% legitimate questions. 10:31.490 --> 10:35.960 align:middle line:84% That's why we never had a problem with any terrorist, 10:35.960 --> 10:39.680 align:middle line:84% any sociopath, any kidnapper anywhere in the world when 10:39.680 --> 10:43.960 align:middle line:84% we said, how do we know our hostage is alive? 10:43.960 --> 10:49.210 align:middle line:84% They had to admit to themselves it's a legitimate question, 10:49.210 --> 10:51.200 align:middle line:84% and they would at least think about it. 10:51.200 --> 10:54.830 align:middle line:84% It would at least stop and shape their thinking. 10:54.830 --> 10:58.680 align:middle line:84% So we use this today in our business negotiations 10:58.680 --> 11:02.388 align:middle line:84% to ask, how do we know that the people that 11:02.388 --> 11:04.430 align:middle line:84% are going to be affected by the deal on your side 11:04.430 --> 11:06.910 align:middle line:90% are good with this? 11:06.910 --> 11:08.430 align:middle line:84% How do we make sure that people that 11:08.430 --> 11:12.830 align:middle line:84% have to live with this deal like the way it's constructed? 11:12.830 --> 11:14.420 align:middle line:84% We start to get the deal breakers 11:14.420 --> 11:17.720 align:middle line:84% on the other side involved so that they're 11:17.720 --> 11:19.580 align:middle line:90% no longer deal breakers. 11:19.580 --> 11:22.390 align:middle line:90% They're deal collaborators.