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Who do you think has more
control in a negotiation,

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the person doing the talking or
the person doing the listening?

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And how important is control,
anyway, versus the upper hand

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and creating the outcome
that's best for you?

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In this chapter, we'll
talk about the secret

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to gaining the upper
hand in a negotiation

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is to give the other side
the illusion of control.

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How do you do
that, and how is it

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best for you in creating
the best possible outcome?

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Calibrated question
is what we used

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to refer to as an
open ended question,

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and it's calibrated for a fact.

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And we calibrate it to make
the other side feel in charge.

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The secret to gaining the
upper hand in a negotiation

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is giving the other side
the illusion of control.

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And we're going to calibrate
our questions mostly

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with the words what
and how because people

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love to be asked what to do.

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People love to be asked
how to do something.

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Why, as a question, triggers
defensiveness universally.

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Why makes you feel accused.

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There's been some speculation
that the reason why

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triggers a universal
defensive reaction

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is that every human being
when they were two years old--

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no matter how many
people were around them,

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no matter where they
grew up on the planet,

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no matter what culture they
were in, when they were two,

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they knocked something off
a table, and they broke it.

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And the nearest
adult pointed at them

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and said, why did you do that?

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And we had it drilled
into our minds

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from about age two on
that, when somebody

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said why to us, they
were accusing us

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of doing something wrong.

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This is an interesting aspect,
because in business today,

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we're constantly told
to find out their why.

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Get their why.

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And so when we ask them
why do they want something,

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it interferes with
our relationship.

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It interferes with rapport,
creates defensiveness.

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So how do we drive at some
of the same information?

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We change our whys to whats.

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Instead of why do
you need delivery

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in three weeks on the product--

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they're going to be
worried about what's

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wrong with the fact
that I need delivery.

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Change your why to
a what, and you say,

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what makes it necessary to get
it delivered in three weeks?

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It takes the sting of
accusation off of it.

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It takes the
defensiveness out of it,

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and it gets us back to a nice
calibrated what question.

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People like to be asked what
so they can answer what.

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They feel in charge.

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They feel in control.

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We've got to say
it with deference,

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but, again, we're
giving the other side

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the illusion of control, and
it's principally through the

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how and what questions.

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Forced empathy is when
you force the other side

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to have empathy with you, and
the idea behind empathy-- we're

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trying to trigger reciprocity.

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We're looking to
demonstrate empathy

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because it's good for us, but
we want empathy in return.

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And reciprocity may
not always kick in.

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So we may have to say something
at some point in time that

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forces the other side to take
a hard look at our situation

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before they move forward.

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And our classic phrase to
force empathy into a situation

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is simply to say to somebody,
how am I supposed to do that?

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We're coaching a
woman once who'd

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done a tremendous amount
of business for a company.

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They kept promising
her follow-on business

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as a result of it, and she
was very afraid of being

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denied the follow-on business.

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So they owed her a lot of
money, and they weren't paying,

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and they kept sending her work.

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I told her to say, how
am I supposed to do that?

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Next time they send you
an order for more work.

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And she said, oh my
god, I can't say that.

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I can't say that.

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They'll tell me I have
to do it, and then

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I'll really be in trouble.

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And I said, don't
worry about that.

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The point is it's going
to have an impact on them.

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I actually needed to do
an intervention with her

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to sort of talk her
down off the ledge

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over even asking the question.

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So when they finally called her
and asked her for more work,

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she said, how am I
supposed to do that?

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And a person on the
other side of the table

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said, you're right.

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You can't.

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I know we haven't
been paying you.

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We've actually had some
real internal problems,

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and the person that's
responsible for paying you

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has changed.

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I will get in touch
with that person.

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They'll reach out
to you, and we'll

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settle up the bill before we
move forward on anything else.

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Now, part of the problem
on the other side

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was they were embarrassed
that they were unorganized,

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and they changed
around, and they

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were a mess on the other side.

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And they were dealing with their
own problems at the same time,

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so they were kind of ignoring
how much difficulty that they

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were putting this woman in.

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Well, forced empathy--
you make the other side

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take into account what
you're really going through,

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and you also make
them think about, how

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is this going to move forward?

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And it's not going
to move forward well

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if you keep cheating
the other side.

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The question, how am
I supposed to do that,

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is designed to shape the
other side's thinking,

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shape it around empathy, shape
it around thinking about us,

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trigger slow in-depth thinking.

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And in many cases,
you probably want

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to combine your how and what
questions to basically ask up

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to three questions.

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They're just worded differently.

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And it might be, how am
I supposed to do that?

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What's going to
happen if I do that?

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How do I overcome the
challenges that I have here?

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Those are all basically asking
exactly the same question

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in a different fashion.

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If you ask that question three
different ways, then a person

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you're talking to will
think about it from three

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different angles, and
they'll give it more thought,

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and they'll give
you a better answer.

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And they will
appreciate the fact

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that you helped them
think it through.

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Reciprocity is a
natural human dynamic

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that exists in us
because we're humans,

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and some people are
very guarded about it.

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So we have to be careful
about how we trigger it.

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If we ask, we tend to owe.

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People are often
worried about asking us

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because they don't want to owe.

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So it's a common dynamic
that people are more or less

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sensitive to at all times.

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You don't want to trigger
reciprocity inadvertently.

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If I say to you,
what's your name?

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That's an ask.

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I've begun to trigger.

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If I ask, I should be
willing to give an exchange,

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and if I'm not willing
to give an exchange,

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or if I'm not ready to give an
exchange at this point in time,

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I don't want to trigger
the reciprocity dynamic.

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Proof of life was
one of those issues.

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How do we know that there's
a deal to be had here?

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How do I know you
have the hostage?

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We struggled with that
for a really long time

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when I worked kidnappings where
we didn't ask proof of life,

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because we knew the
hostage was alive,

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and we didn't want to
trigger reciprocity.

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And there was an
instance where I was

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in the middle of a kidnapping.

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It ended badly.

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Hostages were killed
by friendly fire

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after the fact in a
botched rescue attempt.

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I was bothered for a long
time by what had happened

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that I didn't understand.

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A couple of months
afterwards, I'm

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listening to a kidnapping
of a drug dealer's

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girlfriend in Pittsburgh.

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And who do you go to when
somebody in your family

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has been kidnapped, even
if you're a drug dealer?

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You go to the FBI.

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Drug deal went to the local FBI.

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I'm listening to the
tapes of the drug dealer

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riding around in his car with
the FBI hostage negotiator,

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and he's just
negotiating on his own.

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And so he didn't know that
his girlfriend was alive,

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and spontaneously, in the middle
of the negotiation, on his own,

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he said to the other
drug dealer, hey dog,

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how do I know she's all right?

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And it was this long silence
on the other end of the line,

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and then the kidnapper said,
I'll put her on the phone.

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He said that was a tone of
voice that indicated the power

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dynamic had completely shifted.

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He went from feeling
like he was in charge

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to spontaneously collaborating.

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His tone of voice changed, and
I knew that now the victim--

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boyfriend had the upper
hand just from a simple

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how question.

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And he got the kidnapper
to volunteer to put

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the hostage on the phone.

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That's got to be it.

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That was just a
legitimate how question.

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Left the other side feeling
completely in charge,

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but changed the power dynamic
completely in the given moment.

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And the person who lost the
upper hand in the negotiation

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had no idea they'd
lost the upper hand.

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You put the creator
of the problem--

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you put the burden of
solving that problem on them.

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And since they don't
feel burdened by it,

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they feel in control.

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It was their idea.

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They're going to spontaneously
do what you want,

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and you never
actually asked for it.

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You're not looking
for proof of life,

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but you're really looking for
proof of legitimacy, proof

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that you're in a
good faith as opposed

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to a bad faith negotiation.

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And what are the
natural questions?

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How are we going to move
forward if we make this deal?

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How do I know that
you're not just

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looking for free consulting?

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How have you worked with
people like me in the past?

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How have you made
this deal in the past?

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There are a lot of
legitimate questions

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that, if you were sitting
around with your colleagues

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in a bar at night discussing
the deal of the day,

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one of your colleagues
might say, look,

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how do you know these guys
aren't playing you for a fool?

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How do you know this is
a legitimate negotiation?

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How do you know they
have the budget?

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You can ask them at the
table because they're

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legitimate questions.

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That's why we never had a
problem with any terrorist,

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any sociopath, any kidnapper
anywhere in the world when

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we said, how do we know
our hostage is alive?

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They had to admit to themselves
it's a legitimate question,

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and they would at
least think about it.

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It would at least stop
and shape their thinking.

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So we use this today in
our business negotiations

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to ask, how do we know
that the people that

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are going to be affected
by the deal on your side

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are good with this?

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How do we make sure
that people that

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have to live with this deal
like the way it's constructed?

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We start to get
the deal breakers

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on the other side
involved so that they're

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no longer deal breakers.

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They're deal collaborators.