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In this chapter, we're going to talk about body language
and speech patterns.
We're going to take a little bit different approach.
We're going to talk about how a lie detector actually works.
And you're going to learn how it's
more important to get a accurate assessment of what somebody
looks like when they're telling the truth as opposed
to what they look like when they lie.
This is all going to be governed by your ability
to read the situation and your ability
to shift your focus off of yourself
and to actually pay attention to the other side, how they're
reacting to you in the situation, how they're reacting
to what you say.
It's an information gathering process.
And your first objective is to be a sponge
and soak up as much information as possible.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What is the 7/38/55 rule?
There's a lot of discussion around this.
So let me put it in context.
7 plus 38 plus 55 equals 100.
And it originally came up from a study from a UCLA professor
back in the 1970s I believe, at least the 1970s,
about how much people liked the components of a communication.
The three components of a communication
are the content, the tonality, and the body language.
The 7% represented how much they liked the content, the 38%
represented how much they liked the tonality, and the 55%
represented how much they liked the body language.
What really matters, first of all,
is the relative percentages.
The tone of voice is five times as important
as the words that are spoken.
And a simple illustration is this.
I could say, what you just said was a really smart observation.
Now, you believe that I believe that.
Or I could say, what you just said
was a really smart observation.
And the second way I use the exact same words,
I changed the meaning completely.
So the first one is, I agree.
And the second one is, I think you're an idiot.
One great way for getting a sense of whether
or not somebody is being genuine ties back to the 7/38/55 rule.
Does their delivery and their body language line up
with the content of the words that's being spoken.
If one of those is out of line, which one
am I going to expect to be the most reliable?
I'm going to look hard at body language and tone of voice
when it's out of line with the words.
And then I'm going to use a label to identify that dynamic.
And I could say something as clear as, I heard you say yes,
but I also heard something in your tone of voice
that made you hesitate.
You simply just point some things
out with some labels that are labeling dynamics
that are in front of you.
These are fair things to do.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
In many cases, you're going to be
negotiating in a group setting.
They're going to have people on the other side
of the table that are listening, that are dialed in,
especially if they're concealing.
And they know they're concealing.
And maybe they're concealing out of defensiveness.
The people who are going to be ridiculously unguarded
are going to be the people that you're not talking directly to.
Everybody knows who you're talking to.
They feel the attention on their primary point of contact.
And the people that are not being spoken to
are going to be insanely honest in their physical reactions.
I've been in conference calls, video conference calls, where
after the fact my son has pointed out to me--
let's say there's somebody on the other side of the table,
of four people that we're talking to.
Eric is listening.
We'll use the imaginary Eric.
But Eric is not the person we're talking to.
And afterwards my son will say, did you see Eric?
He looked like he was going to throw up
when you asked their primary point of contact, the question.
The people that are off the point of focus
are going to be ridiculously unguardable in their body
language because they're not used
to being paid attention to.
They're used to having all eyes on the person that's
being spoken to.
So you're going to get some really honest,
some really accurate body language off the people,
off the primary point of attention.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, so for a negotiator it's a lot more
important to know when somebody is telling the truth than when
they're lying because if you tell the truth,
you have one way you tell the truth.
You may have a bunch of different ways that you lie.
You might have three ways.
You might have 50 ways.
But if you tell the truth, you have
one way you tell the truth.
And I'm trying to gain a feel for what your baseline is
for telling the truth.
It's the same way a polygraph works.
You go on a polygraph, a good polygrapher is going to ask you
the control questions, the questions that are the truth.
What day is it?
Where are you?
What's your name?
What was your dog's first name.
You know, any of the things that you tell the truth on.
They're going to get a line on what you look like when
you're telling the truth.
And then when you lie, it doesn't matter how you lie.
It just matters that you've come out of it.
You could look up and to the left.
You could look down.
You could grip your hands, whatever you do.
You didn't do it when you were telling the truth.
That's an indicator that you've come out of your baseline.
You're probably lying.
You're at least thinking about lying.
Each person's gut instinct is capable of picking
up way more information than we can actually cognitively
assess.
So if your gut is telling you something is wrong,
it's probably something that you picked up on the other side.
They've come out of their truth telling.
So as a negotiator, I begin to engage with you
in an emotionally intelligent way using hostage negotiation,
tactical empathy, because I want you
starting to feel comfortable.
And I want you to start showing me
what you look like when you're telling the truth.
When I've got a clear picture on that, all I need to know
is that you've come out of it.
Now, I've got a problem.
Now, the next issue, which negotiators know,
is what do I do with that information?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
The Pinocchio effect, what is the Pinocchio effect?
It's when someone uses more words
than is necessary to give you an answer.
If somebody is lying to you, they know they're lying.
And they're worried about it.
And consequently, they're going to need
to work harder to convince you.
So the more effort they go to convince you
that they're telling the truth, the more likely
it is that they're lying.
They're adding more words.
They're worried that you don't believe them.
They have to add in more convincing.
They might even say why would I lie?
Why would it be in my interest to not tell you the truth?
The more effort, the more words they
use to convince you that they're telling the truth,
the more likely it is that they're lying.
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If you've come out of truth telling,
there's something you're uncomfortable with.
If I sense you've come out of truth telling,
I can say, well, I heard you say you're OK with the deal
but seems like something's bothering you.
Seems like there's something here I missed.
Seems like there's more here than meets the eye.
Each one of those labels are designed
to have the maximum chance of success of bringing you out
of the lie.
They're not accusatory.
The tone of voice is curious.
The tone of voice is collaborative.
The tone of voice is interested.
There's no guarantee of success.
But what tactical empathy guarantees
you is the best chance of success.
And that's all I need to know.
You've come out of truth telling.
There's a problem.
You're defensive.
You're concerned.
You're scared.
You're worried.
You don't trust me with the truth.
Any of those are all accurate labels
to bring you out of lying and back into truth telling.
What does it tell you about yourself
if somebody is lying to you?
Well, first, it tells you that they are
scared to tell you the truth.
They perceive you as potentially being a threat.
Now, that doesn't mean that you are a threat.
And that doesn't mean that they should be
afraid to tell you the truth.
It tells you that their assessment of the situation
is that they've got their guard up.
Now, how you want to be guided by this
and informed by this is, revert to the late-night FM DJ voice.
Use a voice that the other side finds reassuring,
be predictable, be nonjudgmental.
Be predictable in that you're not going to attack them.
You're not going to try and corner them.
You want to be steady.
You want to be a accountable.
You want to show them that you're
aware of their perspective and that you
don't have a problem with it.
You might not agree with it.
But you don't necessarily have a problem with it.
You continue to show them that you're worthy
of them being unguarded and they'll drop their guard.