WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:00.500 align:middle line:90% 00:00.500 --> 00:03.952 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 00:03.952 --> 00:08.410 align:middle line:90% 00:08.410 --> 00:10.900 align:middle line:84% In this chapter, we're going to talk about body language 00:10.900 --> 00:13.450 align:middle line:90% and speech patterns. 00:13.450 --> 00:16.570 align:middle line:84% We're going to take a little bit different approach. 00:16.570 --> 00:19.750 align:middle line:84% We're going to talk about how a lie detector actually works. 00:19.750 --> 00:21.400 align:middle line:84% And you're going to learn how it's 00:21.400 --> 00:25.330 align:middle line:84% more important to get a accurate assessment of what somebody 00:25.330 --> 00:28.240 align:middle line:84% looks like when they're telling the truth as opposed 00:28.240 --> 00:29.810 align:middle line:84% to what they look like when they lie. 00:29.810 --> 00:31.810 align:middle line:84% This is all going to be governed by your ability 00:31.810 --> 00:34.150 align:middle line:84% to read the situation and your ability 00:34.150 --> 00:36.940 align:middle line:84% to shift your focus off of yourself 00:36.940 --> 00:40.300 align:middle line:84% and to actually pay attention to the other side, how they're 00:40.300 --> 00:43.840 align:middle line:84% reacting to you in the situation, how they're reacting 00:43.840 --> 00:45.270 align:middle line:90% to what you say. 00:45.270 --> 00:47.720 align:middle line:84% It's an information gathering process. 00:47.720 --> 00:50.620 align:middle line:84% And your first objective is to be a sponge 00:50.620 --> 00:53.475 align:middle line:84% and soak up as much information as possible. 00:53.475 --> 00:56.870 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 00:56.870 --> 00:59.780 align:middle line:90% 00:59.780 --> 01:03.270 align:middle line:90% What is the 7/38/55 rule? 01:03.270 --> 01:05.060 align:middle line:84% There's a lot of discussion around this. 01:05.060 --> 01:07.330 align:middle line:90% So let me put it in context. 01:07.330 --> 01:10.790 align:middle line:90% 7 plus 38 plus 55 equals 100. 01:10.790 --> 01:13.660 align:middle line:84% And it originally came up from a study from a UCLA professor 01:13.660 --> 01:16.700 align:middle line:84% back in the 1970s I believe, at least the 1970s, 01:16.700 --> 01:20.290 align:middle line:84% about how much people liked the components of a communication. 01:20.290 --> 01:22.240 align:middle line:84% The three components of a communication 01:22.240 --> 01:26.350 align:middle line:84% are the content, the tonality, and the body language. 01:26.350 --> 01:30.370 align:middle line:84% The 7% represented how much they liked the content, the 38% 01:30.370 --> 01:35.510 align:middle line:84% represented how much they liked the tonality, and the 55% 01:35.510 --> 01:37.880 align:middle line:84% represented how much they liked the body language. 01:37.880 --> 01:39.830 align:middle line:84% What really matters, first of all, 01:39.830 --> 01:42.020 align:middle line:90% is the relative percentages. 01:42.020 --> 01:45.350 align:middle line:84% The tone of voice is five times as important 01:45.350 --> 01:47.240 align:middle line:90% as the words that are spoken. 01:47.240 --> 01:49.490 align:middle line:84% And a simple illustration is this. 01:49.490 --> 01:54.170 align:middle line:84% I could say, what you just said was a really smart observation. 01:54.170 --> 01:55.960 align:middle line:84% Now, you believe that I believe that. 01:55.960 --> 01:58.160 align:middle line:84% Or I could say, what you just said 01:58.160 --> 02:00.450 align:middle line:90% was a really smart observation. 02:00.450 --> 02:02.750 align:middle line:84% And the second way I use the exact same words, 02:02.750 --> 02:05.480 align:middle line:84% I changed the meaning completely. 02:05.480 --> 02:07.130 align:middle line:90% So the first one is, I agree. 02:07.130 --> 02:09.650 align:middle line:84% And the second one is, I think you're an idiot. 02:09.650 --> 02:12.380 align:middle line:84% One great way for getting a sense of whether 02:12.380 --> 02:18.400 align:middle line:84% or not somebody is being genuine ties back to the 7/38/55 rule. 02:18.400 --> 02:21.660 align:middle line:84% Does their delivery and their body language line up 02:21.660 --> 02:24.730 align:middle line:84% with the content of the words that's being spoken. 02:24.730 --> 02:27.940 align:middle line:84% If one of those is out of line, which one 02:27.940 --> 02:31.720 align:middle line:84% am I going to expect to be the most reliable? 02:31.720 --> 02:35.430 align:middle line:84% I'm going to look hard at body language and tone of voice 02:35.430 --> 02:38.150 align:middle line:84% when it's out of line with the words. 02:38.150 --> 02:41.850 align:middle line:84% And then I'm going to use a label to identify that dynamic. 02:41.850 --> 02:47.310 align:middle line:84% And I could say something as clear as, I heard you say yes, 02:47.310 --> 02:50.670 align:middle line:84% but I also heard something in your tone of voice 02:50.670 --> 02:53.280 align:middle line:90% that made you hesitate. 02:53.280 --> 02:54.740 align:middle line:84% You simply just point some things 02:54.740 --> 02:57.140 align:middle line:84% out with some labels that are labeling dynamics 02:57.140 --> 02:58.520 align:middle line:90% that are in front of you. 02:58.520 --> 03:00.157 align:middle line:90% These are fair things to do. 03:00.157 --> 03:03.636 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 03:03.636 --> 03:06.355 align:middle line:90% 03:06.355 --> 03:07.730 align:middle line:84% In many cases, you're going to be 03:07.730 --> 03:09.570 align:middle line:90% negotiating in a group setting. 03:09.570 --> 03:10.820 align:middle line:84% They're going to have people on the other side 03:10.820 --> 03:12.590 align:middle line:84% of the table that are listening, that are dialed in, 03:12.590 --> 03:13.965 align:middle line:84% especially if they're concealing. 03:13.965 --> 03:15.530 align:middle line:84% And they know they're concealing. 03:15.530 --> 03:17.770 align:middle line:84% And maybe they're concealing out of defensiveness. 03:17.770 --> 03:21.050 align:middle line:84% The people who are going to be ridiculously unguarded 03:21.050 --> 03:25.160 align:middle line:84% are going to be the people that you're not talking directly to. 03:25.160 --> 03:27.230 align:middle line:84% Everybody knows who you're talking to. 03:27.230 --> 03:32.180 align:middle line:84% They feel the attention on their primary point of contact. 03:32.180 --> 03:35.030 align:middle line:84% And the people that are not being spoken to 03:35.030 --> 03:39.380 align:middle line:84% are going to be insanely honest in their physical reactions. 03:39.380 --> 03:42.530 align:middle line:84% I've been in conference calls, video conference calls, where 03:42.530 --> 03:45.723 align:middle line:84% after the fact my son has pointed out to me-- 03:45.723 --> 03:48.140 align:middle line:84% let's say there's somebody on the other side of the table, 03:48.140 --> 03:50.100 align:middle line:84% of four people that we're talking to. 03:50.100 --> 03:51.460 align:middle line:90% Eric is listening. 03:51.460 --> 03:53.607 align:middle line:90% We'll use the imaginary Eric. 03:53.607 --> 03:55.440 align:middle line:84% But Eric is not the person we're talking to. 03:55.440 --> 03:58.075 align:middle line:84% And afterwards my son will say, did you see Eric? 03:58.075 --> 03:59.700 align:middle line:84% He looked like he was going to throw up 03:59.700 --> 04:03.270 align:middle line:84% when you asked their primary point of contact, the question. 04:03.270 --> 04:06.420 align:middle line:84% The people that are off the point of focus 04:06.420 --> 04:09.570 align:middle line:84% are going to be ridiculously unguardable in their body 04:09.570 --> 04:11.220 align:middle line:84% language because they're not used 04:11.220 --> 04:12.840 align:middle line:90% to being paid attention to. 04:12.840 --> 04:15.600 align:middle line:84% They're used to having all eyes on the person that's 04:15.600 --> 04:16.740 align:middle line:90% being spoken to. 04:16.740 --> 04:18.490 align:middle line:84% So you're going to get some really honest, 04:18.490 --> 04:21.779 align:middle line:84% some really accurate body language off the people, 04:21.779 --> 04:23.520 align:middle line:84% off the primary point of attention. 04:23.520 --> 04:29.840 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 04:29.840 --> 04:31.860 align:middle line:84% Well, so for a negotiator it's a lot more 04:31.860 --> 04:34.443 align:middle line:84% important to know when somebody is telling the truth than when 04:34.443 --> 04:36.960 align:middle line:84% they're lying because if you tell the truth, 04:36.960 --> 04:39.173 align:middle line:84% you have one way you tell the truth. 04:39.173 --> 04:41.340 align:middle line:84% You may have a bunch of different ways that you lie. 04:41.340 --> 04:42.423 align:middle line:90% You might have three ways. 04:42.423 --> 04:44.082 align:middle line:90% You might have 50 ways. 04:44.082 --> 04:45.540 align:middle line:84% But if you tell the truth, you have 04:45.540 --> 04:47.420 align:middle line:90% one way you tell the truth. 04:47.420 --> 04:50.850 align:middle line:84% And I'm trying to gain a feel for what your baseline is 04:50.850 --> 04:51.820 align:middle line:90% for telling the truth. 04:51.820 --> 04:53.920 align:middle line:84% It's the same way a polygraph works. 04:53.920 --> 04:57.780 align:middle line:84% You go on a polygraph, a good polygrapher is going to ask you 04:57.780 --> 05:01.260 align:middle line:84% the control questions, the questions that are the truth. 05:01.260 --> 05:02.010 align:middle line:90% What day is it? 05:02.010 --> 05:03.030 align:middle line:90% Where are you? 05:03.030 --> 05:04.920 align:middle line:90% What's your name? 05:04.920 --> 05:07.180 align:middle line:90% What was your dog's first name. 05:07.180 --> 05:09.780 align:middle line:84% You know, any of the things that you tell the truth on. 05:09.780 --> 05:12.030 align:middle line:84% They're going to get a line on what you look like when 05:12.030 --> 05:13.850 align:middle line:90% you're telling the truth. 05:13.850 --> 05:16.110 align:middle line:84% And then when you lie, it doesn't matter how you lie. 05:16.110 --> 05:17.903 align:middle line:84% It just matters that you've come out of it. 05:17.903 --> 05:19.320 align:middle line:84% You could look up and to the left. 05:19.320 --> 05:20.160 align:middle line:90% You could look down. 05:20.160 --> 05:25.680 align:middle line:84% You could grip your hands, whatever you do. 05:25.680 --> 05:28.020 align:middle line:84% You didn't do it when you were telling the truth. 05:28.020 --> 05:30.870 align:middle line:84% That's an indicator that you've come out of your baseline. 05:30.870 --> 05:32.850 align:middle line:90% You're probably lying. 05:32.850 --> 05:35.250 align:middle line:84% You're at least thinking about lying. 05:35.250 --> 05:39.000 align:middle line:84% Each person's gut instinct is capable of picking 05:39.000 --> 05:42.480 align:middle line:84% up way more information than we can actually cognitively 05:42.480 --> 05:43.790 align:middle line:90% assess. 05:43.790 --> 05:45.930 align:middle line:84% So if your gut is telling you something is wrong, 05:45.930 --> 05:48.660 align:middle line:84% it's probably something that you picked up on the other side. 05:48.660 --> 05:50.400 align:middle line:84% They've come out of their truth telling. 05:50.400 --> 05:53.130 align:middle line:84% So as a negotiator, I begin to engage with you 05:53.130 --> 05:56.670 align:middle line:84% in an emotionally intelligent way using hostage negotiation, 05:56.670 --> 05:59.442 align:middle line:84% tactical empathy, because I want you 05:59.442 --> 06:00.650 align:middle line:90% starting to feel comfortable. 06:00.650 --> 06:02.850 align:middle line:84% And I want you to start showing me 06:02.850 --> 06:04.905 align:middle line:84% what you look like when you're telling the truth. 06:04.905 --> 06:07.530 align:middle line:84% When I've got a clear picture on that, all I need to know 06:07.530 --> 06:08.830 align:middle line:90% is that you've come out of it. 06:08.830 --> 06:09.830 align:middle line:90% Now, I've got a problem. 06:09.830 --> 06:13.140 align:middle line:84% Now, the next issue, which negotiators know, 06:13.140 --> 06:14.770 align:middle line:84% is what do I do with that information? 06:14.770 --> 06:17.668 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 06:17.668 --> 06:21.540 align:middle line:90% 06:21.540 --> 06:25.140 align:middle line:84% The Pinocchio effect, what is the Pinocchio effect? 06:25.140 --> 06:26.970 align:middle line:84% It's when someone uses more words 06:26.970 --> 06:30.780 align:middle line:84% than is necessary to give you an answer. 06:30.780 --> 06:34.380 align:middle line:84% If somebody is lying to you, they know they're lying. 06:34.380 --> 06:36.540 align:middle line:90% And they're worried about it. 06:36.540 --> 06:38.790 align:middle line:84% And consequently, they're going to need 06:38.790 --> 06:41.100 align:middle line:90% to work harder to convince you. 06:41.100 --> 06:44.400 align:middle line:84% So the more effort they go to convince you 06:44.400 --> 06:47.250 align:middle line:84% that they're telling the truth, the more likely 06:47.250 --> 06:49.440 align:middle line:90% it is that they're lying. 06:49.440 --> 06:50.850 align:middle line:90% They're adding more words. 06:50.850 --> 06:53.040 align:middle line:84% They're worried that you don't believe them. 06:53.040 --> 06:54.960 align:middle line:84% They have to add in more convincing. 06:54.960 --> 06:57.960 align:middle line:84% They might even say why would I lie? 06:57.960 --> 07:02.550 align:middle line:84% Why would it be in my interest to not tell you the truth? 07:02.550 --> 07:04.410 align:middle line:84% The more effort, the more words they 07:04.410 --> 07:06.990 align:middle line:84% use to convince you that they're telling the truth, 07:06.990 --> 07:09.648 align:middle line:84% the more likely it is that they're lying. 07:09.648 --> 07:12.456 align:middle line:90% [MUSIC PLAYING] 07:12.456 --> 07:16.200 align:middle line:90% 07:16.200 --> 07:18.450 align:middle line:84% If you've come out of truth telling, 07:18.450 --> 07:20.880 align:middle line:84% there's something you're uncomfortable with. 07:20.880 --> 07:22.830 align:middle line:84% If I sense you've come out of truth telling, 07:22.830 --> 07:26.580 align:middle line:84% I can say, well, I heard you say you're OK with the deal 07:26.580 --> 07:31.640 align:middle line:84% but seems like something's bothering you. 07:31.640 --> 07:35.360 align:middle line:84% Seems like there's something here I missed. 07:35.360 --> 07:38.840 align:middle line:84% Seems like there's more here than meets the eye. 07:38.840 --> 07:41.900 align:middle line:84% Each one of those labels are designed 07:41.900 --> 07:46.550 align:middle line:84% to have the maximum chance of success of bringing you out 07:46.550 --> 07:48.010 align:middle line:90% of the lie. 07:48.010 --> 07:49.520 align:middle line:90% They're not accusatory. 07:49.520 --> 07:52.340 align:middle line:90% The tone of voice is curious. 07:52.340 --> 07:53.870 align:middle line:84% The tone of voice is collaborative. 07:53.870 --> 07:56.720 align:middle line:90% The tone of voice is interested. 07:56.720 --> 07:59.750 align:middle line:90% There's no guarantee of success. 07:59.750 --> 08:01.720 align:middle line:84% But what tactical empathy guarantees 08:01.720 --> 08:04.400 align:middle line:84% you is the best chance of success. 08:04.400 --> 08:05.650 align:middle line:90% And that's all I need to know. 08:05.650 --> 08:07.600 align:middle line:84% You've come out of truth telling. 08:07.600 --> 08:08.990 align:middle line:90% There's a problem. 08:08.990 --> 08:10.030 align:middle line:90% You're defensive. 08:10.030 --> 08:10.930 align:middle line:90% You're concerned. 08:10.930 --> 08:11.800 align:middle line:90% You're scared. 08:11.800 --> 08:13.000 align:middle line:90% You're worried. 08:13.000 --> 08:15.250 align:middle line:84% You don't trust me with the truth. 08:15.250 --> 08:17.200 align:middle line:84% Any of those are all accurate labels 08:17.200 --> 08:20.290 align:middle line:84% to bring you out of lying and back into truth telling. 08:20.290 --> 08:22.240 align:middle line:84% What does it tell you about yourself 08:22.240 --> 08:24.550 align:middle line:90% if somebody is lying to you? 08:24.550 --> 08:27.770 align:middle line:84% Well, first, it tells you that they are 08:27.770 --> 08:31.380 align:middle line:90% scared to tell you the truth. 08:31.380 --> 08:34.260 align:middle line:84% They perceive you as potentially being a threat. 08:34.260 --> 08:37.081 align:middle line:84% Now, that doesn't mean that you are a threat. 08:37.081 --> 08:38.789 align:middle line:84% And that doesn't mean that they should be 08:38.789 --> 08:41.480 align:middle line:90% afraid to tell you the truth. 08:41.480 --> 08:43.820 align:middle line:84% It tells you that their assessment of the situation 08:43.820 --> 08:46.257 align:middle line:84% is that they've got their guard up. 08:46.257 --> 08:47.840 align:middle line:84% Now, how you want to be guided by this 08:47.840 --> 08:54.570 align:middle line:84% and informed by this is, revert to the late-night FM DJ voice. 08:54.570 --> 08:58.110 align:middle line:84% Use a voice that the other side finds reassuring, 08:58.110 --> 09:01.230 align:middle line:84% be predictable, be nonjudgmental. 09:01.230 --> 09:04.500 align:middle line:84% Be predictable in that you're not going to attack them. 09:04.500 --> 09:06.823 align:middle line:84% You're not going to try and corner them. 09:06.823 --> 09:07.740 align:middle line:90% You want to be steady. 09:07.740 --> 09:09.510 align:middle line:90% You want to be a accountable. 09:09.510 --> 09:10.920 align:middle line:84% You want to show them that you're 09:10.920 --> 09:12.900 align:middle line:84% aware of their perspective and that you 09:12.900 --> 09:14.250 align:middle line:90% don't have a problem with it. 09:14.250 --> 09:16.266 align:middle line:90% You might not agree with it. 09:16.266 --> 09:18.910 align:middle line:84% But you don't necessarily have a problem with it. 09:18.910 --> 09:21.280 align:middle line:84% You continue to show them that you're worthy 09:21.280 --> 09:25.110 align:middle line:84% of them being unguarded and they'll drop their guard.