1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,950 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:08,410 --> 00:00:10,900 In this chapter, we're going to talk about body language 3 00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:13,450 and speech patterns. 4 00:00:13,450 --> 00:00:16,570 We're going to take a little bit different approach. 5 00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:19,750 We're going to talk about how a lie detector actually works. 6 00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,400 And you're going to learn how it's 7 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,330 more important to get a accurate assessment of what somebody 8 00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:28,240 looks like when they're telling the truth as opposed 9 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,810 to what they look like when they lie. 10 00:00:29,810 --> 00:00:31,810 This is all going to be governed by your ability 11 00:00:31,810 --> 00:00:34,150 to read the situation and your ability 12 00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:36,940 to shift your focus off of yourself 13 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:40,300 and to actually pay attention to the other side, how they're 14 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:43,840 reacting to you in the situation, how they're reacting 15 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,270 to what you say. 16 00:00:45,270 --> 00:00:47,720 It's an information gathering process. 17 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,620 And your first objective is to be a sponge 18 00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,480 and soak up as much information as possible. 19 00:00:53,475 --> 00:00:56,875 [MUSIC PLAYING] 20 00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:03,270 What is the 7/38/55 rule? 21 00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:05,060 There's a lot of discussion around this. 22 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,330 So let me put it in context. 23 00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:10,790 7 plus 38 plus 55 equals 100. 24 00:01:10,790 --> 00:01:13,660 And it originally came up from a study from a UCLA professor 25 00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:16,700 back in the 1970s I believe, at least the 1970s, 26 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:20,290 about how much people liked the components of a communication. 27 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:22,240 The three components of a communication 28 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:26,350 are the content, the tonality, and the body language. 29 00:01:26,350 --> 00:01:30,370 The 7% represented how much they liked the content, the 38% 30 00:01:30,370 --> 00:01:35,510 represented how much they liked the tonality, and the 55% 31 00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:37,880 represented how much they liked the body language. 32 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,830 What really matters, first of all, 33 00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,020 is the relative percentages. 34 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:45,350 The tone of voice is five times as important 35 00:01:45,350 --> 00:01:47,240 as the words that are spoken. 36 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,490 And a simple illustration is this. 37 00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:54,170 I could say, what you just said was a really smart observation. 38 00:01:54,170 --> 00:01:55,960 Now, you believe that I believe that. 39 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,160 Or I could say, what you just said 40 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,450 was a really smart observation. 41 00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:02,750 And the second way I use the exact same words, 42 00:02:02,750 --> 00:02:05,480 I changed the meaning completely. 43 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,130 So the first one is, I agree. 44 00:02:07,130 --> 00:02:09,650 And the second one is, I think you're an idiot. 45 00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:12,380 One great way for getting a sense of whether 46 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:18,400 or not somebody is being genuine ties back to the 7/38/55 rule. 47 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,660 Does their delivery and their body language line up 48 00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:24,730 with the content of the words that's being spoken. 49 00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:27,940 If one of those is out of line, which one 50 00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:31,720 am I going to expect to be the most reliable? 51 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,430 I'm going to look hard at body language and tone of voice 52 00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:38,150 when it's out of line with the words. 53 00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:41,850 And then I'm going to use a label to identify that dynamic. 54 00:02:41,850 --> 00:02:47,310 And I could say something as clear as, I heard you say yes, 55 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:50,670 but I also heard something in your tone of voice 56 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:53,280 that made you hesitate. 57 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,740 You simply just point some things 58 00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:57,140 out with some labels that are labeling dynamics 59 00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,520 that are in front of you. 60 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,160 These are fair things to do. 61 00:03:00,157 --> 00:03:03,637 [MUSIC PLAYING] 62 00:03:06,355 --> 00:03:07,735 In many cases, you're going to be 63 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,570 negotiating in a group setting. 64 00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:10,820 They're going to have people on the other side 65 00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:12,590 of the table that are listening, that are dialed in, 66 00:03:12,590 --> 00:03:13,970 especially if they're concealing. 67 00:03:13,965 --> 00:03:15,535 And they know they're concealing. 68 00:03:15,530 --> 00:03:17,770 And maybe they're concealing out of defensiveness. 69 00:03:17,770 --> 00:03:21,050 The people who are going to be ridiculously unguarded 70 00:03:21,050 --> 00:03:25,160 are going to be the people that you're not talking directly to. 71 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,230 Everybody knows who you're talking to. 72 00:03:27,230 --> 00:03:32,180 They feel the attention on their primary point of contact. 73 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:35,030 And the people that are not being spoken to 74 00:03:35,030 --> 00:03:39,380 are going to be insanely honest in their physical reactions. 75 00:03:39,380 --> 00:03:42,530 I've been in conference calls, video conference calls, where 76 00:03:42,530 --> 00:03:45,720 after the fact my son has pointed out to me-- 77 00:03:45,723 --> 00:03:48,143 let's say there's somebody on the other side of the table, 78 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:50,100 of four people that we're talking to. 79 00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,460 Eric is listening. 80 00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:53,610 We'll use the imaginary Eric. 81 00:03:53,607 --> 00:03:55,437 But Eric is not the person we're talking to. 82 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,080 And afterwards my son will say, did you see Eric? 83 00:03:58,075 --> 00:03:59,705 He looked like he was going to throw up 84 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:03,270 when you asked their primary point of contact, the question. 85 00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:06,420 The people that are off the point of focus 86 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:09,570 are going to be ridiculously unguardable in their body 87 00:04:09,570 --> 00:04:11,220 language because they're not used 88 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:12,840 to being paid attention to. 89 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,600 They're used to having all eyes on the person that's 90 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:16,740 being spoken to. 91 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:18,490 So you're going to get some really honest, 92 00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:21,780 some really accurate body language off the people, 93 00:04:21,779 --> 00:04:23,519 off the primary point of attention. 94 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:29,840 [MUSIC PLAYING] 95 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,860 Well, so for a negotiator it's a lot more 96 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:34,440 important to know when somebody is telling the truth than when 97 00:04:34,443 --> 00:04:36,963 they're lying because if you tell the truth, 98 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,170 you have one way you tell the truth. 99 00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:41,343 You may have a bunch of different ways that you lie. 100 00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:42,420 You might have three ways. 101 00:04:42,423 --> 00:04:44,083 You might have 50 ways. 102 00:04:44,082 --> 00:04:45,542 But if you tell the truth, you have 103 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:47,420 one way you tell the truth. 104 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:50,850 And I'm trying to gain a feel for what your baseline is 105 00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:51,820 for telling the truth. 106 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:53,920 It's the same way a polygraph works. 107 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,780 You go on a polygraph, a good polygrapher is going to ask you 108 00:04:57,780 --> 00:05:01,260 the control questions, the questions that are the truth. 109 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,010 What day is it? 110 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,030 Where are you? 111 00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:04,920 What's your name? 112 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,180 What was your dog's first name. 113 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,780 You know, any of the things that you tell the truth on. 114 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:12,030 They're going to get a line on what you look like when 115 00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:13,850 you're telling the truth. 116 00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:16,110 And then when you lie, it doesn't matter how you lie. 117 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:17,900 It just matters that you've come out of it. 118 00:05:17,903 --> 00:05:19,323 You could look up and to the left. 119 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,160 You could look down. 120 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:25,680 You could grip your hands, whatever you do. 121 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,020 You didn't do it when you were telling the truth. 122 00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:30,870 That's an indicator that you've come out of your baseline. 123 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:32,850 You're probably lying. 124 00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:35,250 You're at least thinking about lying. 125 00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:39,000 Each person's gut instinct is capable of picking 126 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,480 up way more information than we can actually cognitively 127 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,790 assess. 128 00:05:43,790 --> 00:05:45,930 So if your gut is telling you something is wrong, 129 00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:48,660 it's probably something that you picked up on the other side. 130 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,400 They've come out of their truth telling. 131 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,130 So as a negotiator, I begin to engage with you 132 00:05:53,130 --> 00:05:56,670 in an emotionally intelligent way using hostage negotiation, 133 00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:59,440 tactical empathy, because I want you 134 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:00,652 starting to feel comfortable. 135 00:06:00,650 --> 00:06:02,850 And I want you to start showing me 136 00:06:02,850 --> 00:06:04,910 what you look like when you're telling the truth. 137 00:06:04,905 --> 00:06:07,535 When I've got a clear picture on that, all I need to know 138 00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:08,830 is that you've come out of it. 139 00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:09,830 Now, I've got a problem. 140 00:06:09,830 --> 00:06:13,140 Now, the next issue, which negotiators know, 141 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,770 is what do I do with that information? 142 00:06:14,770 --> 00:06:17,670 [MUSIC PLAYING] 143 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:25,140 The Pinocchio effect, what is the Pinocchio effect? 144 00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:26,970 It's when someone uses more words 145 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:30,780 than is necessary to give you an answer. 146 00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:34,380 If somebody is lying to you, they know they're lying. 147 00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:36,540 And they're worried about it. 148 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,790 And consequently, they're going to need 149 00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:41,100 to work harder to convince you. 150 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:44,400 So the more effort they go to convince you 151 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,250 that they're telling the truth, the more likely 152 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,440 it is that they're lying. 153 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,850 They're adding more words. 154 00:06:50,850 --> 00:06:53,040 They're worried that you don't believe them. 155 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,960 They have to add in more convincing. 156 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960 They might even say why would I lie? 157 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,550 Why would it be in my interest to not tell you the truth? 158 00:07:02,550 --> 00:07:04,410 The more effort, the more words they 159 00:07:04,410 --> 00:07:06,990 use to convince you that they're telling the truth, 160 00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:09,650 the more likely it is that they're lying. 161 00:07:09,648 --> 00:07:12,458 [MUSIC PLAYING] 162 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,450 If you've come out of truth telling, 163 00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:20,880 there's something you're uncomfortable with. 164 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,830 If I sense you've come out of truth telling, 165 00:07:22,830 --> 00:07:26,580 I can say, well, I heard you say you're OK with the deal 166 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:31,640 but seems like something's bothering you. 167 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,360 Seems like there's something here I missed. 168 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,840 Seems like there's more here than meets the eye. 169 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,900 Each one of those labels are designed 170 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:46,550 to have the maximum chance of success of bringing you out 171 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,010 of the lie. 172 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,520 They're not accusatory. 173 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,340 The tone of voice is curious. 174 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:53,870 The tone of voice is collaborative. 175 00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:56,720 The tone of voice is interested. 176 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,750 There's no guarantee of success. 177 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:01,720 But what tactical empathy guarantees 178 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,400 you is the best chance of success. 179 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,650 And that's all I need to know. 180 00:08:05,650 --> 00:08:07,600 You've come out of truth telling. 181 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,990 There's a problem. 182 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:10,030 You're defensive. 183 00:08:10,030 --> 00:08:10,930 You're concerned. 184 00:08:10,930 --> 00:08:11,800 You're scared. 185 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,000 You're worried. 186 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,250 You don't trust me with the truth. 187 00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:17,200 Any of those are all accurate labels 188 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,290 to bring you out of lying and back into truth telling. 189 00:08:20,290 --> 00:08:22,240 What does it tell you about yourself 190 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,550 if somebody is lying to you? 191 00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:27,770 Well, first, it tells you that they are 192 00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:31,380 scared to tell you the truth. 193 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:34,260 They perceive you as potentially being a threat. 194 00:08:34,260 --> 00:08:37,080 Now, that doesn't mean that you are a threat. 195 00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:38,791 And that doesn't mean that they should be 196 00:08:38,789 --> 00:08:41,479 afraid to tell you the truth. 197 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,820 It tells you that their assessment of the situation 198 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:46,260 is that they've got their guard up. 199 00:08:46,257 --> 00:08:47,837 Now, how you want to be guided by this 200 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:54,570 and informed by this is, revert to the late-night FM DJ voice. 201 00:08:54,570 --> 00:08:58,110 Use a voice that the other side finds reassuring, 202 00:08:58,110 --> 00:09:01,230 be predictable, be nonjudgmental. 203 00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:04,500 Be predictable in that you're not going to attack them. 204 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,820 You're not going to try and corner them. 205 00:09:06,823 --> 00:09:07,743 You want to be steady. 206 00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:09,510 You want to be a accountable. 207 00:09:09,510 --> 00:09:10,920 You want to show them that you're 208 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,900 aware of their perspective and that you 209 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,250 don't have a problem with it. 210 00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:16,270 You might not agree with it. 211 00:09:16,266 --> 00:09:18,906 But you don't necessarily have a problem with it. 212 00:09:18,910 --> 00:09:21,280 You continue to show them that you're worthy 213 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,110 of them being unguarded and they'll drop their guard.